Young Wives' Tale

Drop 'em

2010-04-20T11:18:00.001+01:00

On Monday I had an appointment to remove my birth control implant. Husband and I are trying for our second baby, which I find absolutely strange btw. We didn't actively try for our Son it was a just "well if it happens it happens" kind of thing. But I wasn't like... planning on it... If that makes sense. Now to think every month I am going to be waiting for my period for an entirely different reason, and not only that but sex takes on a whole different purpose in my head. All very strange...

Anyways, I had to have my implant taken out before my husband's boys could get to work so off I went to the clinic.

When sat with the nurse she asked me what I needed and I said thinking I was using the medical term for implant; "I need my IUD removed as my Husband and I want to try for a baby". simple enough, she nodded and continued with the general health questions.

once all the forms were completed she led me to the examination room, pulled the curtain and said "You can remove your pants and knickers now please".

I hesitated. fingers toying at the button on my jeans, nudging them down my hips and watching her confused.

I didn't want to disobey but.... why?

I stuck my head out of the curtain

"you're ready?" she asked

"um... no... You know the implant is in my arm right?"

She didn't say much after that...well she might have but I couldn't hear her through the laughing.

She did say something as I chuckled along and felt my cheeks redden, something along the lines of "Well it's a good thing you said because otherwise I would have been digging around in there for ages"

Apparently, and you probably know, and IUD is a coil, no an implant.

Crapsters. And there I was thinking I was using the clever medical terms. No such luck.

I'm just glad I said something before she got the evil duck lips out.

Awkward

2010-04-07T14:10:00.002+01:00

Do you remember my stalker?

I received a disturbing message off of her yesterday:

You might not remember me, we met once for coffee and then lost touch. My Son died very suddenly and without cause 2 months ago, I am still in shock. Just thought you should know.

I'm not sure what to make of this. I am sad. Terribly. Because no Mother can be unmoved by the loss of a child. Someones child. Even if you don't like that someone.

But my paranoid brain is working over time and wondering how her 4 year old has died suddenly without cause...

And then that maternal instinct to reply and comfort because...god.... to loose a child.

Am I am a bad person for continuing to ignore her and for having no interest in getting back into that dysfunctional relationship?

I don't think so, but that doesn't stop me from feeling a little bit guilty.

Excuse me, where is the bathroom?

2010-04-07T08:58:00.003+01:00

I was born with a condition. It's a part of me that I have always accepted and embraced, it makes me who I am.

My Husband often cringes from it, and begs me to control it but I cannot help myself.

My name is Eve, and I have verbal diarrhea.

I can't help myself. I have no modesty or shame.

If you ask me a question, I answer it. No hesitation. Even if you would rather have the "socially polite" answer I'm still going to give you the truth. Wanna know how my Husband and I met? I could give you the dulled down romantic version, but no, I blurt out "we had an affair and were really only together in the beginning for the thrill of the sex"... Yes, I used this answer when my boss asked me how I met him.

But you wanna know something? You don't even have to ask me a question, I'll tell you everything anyways. In detail if you like, thought I do draw the line at favourite sexual positions and the like (This is a new quality though after embarrassing my husband at his most recent work Christmas party).

I don't mind being this up front... Not most of the time. I'm often told it makes me approachable, friendly, charming with a child-like air. That's cool. I like being those things. And I've got a wicked sense of humor and quick tongue. Most people realize that as I'm spewing my life story and every minute detail about myself the majority of words that are coming out of my mouth are sarcastic, exaggerated and meant for entertainment more so than they are meant to be informative. But sometimes... Sometimes I wish I could control it.

It's at night when I'm laying in bed that I start going over all the things I blurted out during the day and I start to cringe.

It's the bain of my husbands life thought ironically it was also the first thing about me that he fell in love with. My honesty, the whole "wearing my heart on my sleeve" gig. He loved it, found it charming, endearing and funny. I loved making him laugh.

The tables have turned now though because when I start spewing home truths now a days they are mostly about him. My husband has become the butt crack of my jokes and tales. He handles it graciously most of the time, but there are times when he gets exasperated by my slips of the tongue. rightly so as well when I starts spewing in front of a room full of psychoanalysts (my work colleagues). I'm a gold mine for them, I am sure.

I suppose you're thinking "why tell you husband when you do these confessions of his more private stories in a public inappropriate face, what he doesn't know won't hurt him"... Did you just miss the whole point of this post?

I can't keep my mouth shut.

It comforts my husband too though as he knows I'd never cheat on him because the first thing I would do is call him to tell him the gossip. oops.

Drowning

2010-04-06T22:54:00.001+01:00

Wordpress is killing me.

I feel like I'm on the cusp of creating something beautiful and usable and enjoyable and if only I could figure these two last things out. I have a date to video chat my brother in an attempt to get him to walk me through it but OH why must I be so useless with such things?

Soon my lovelies...soon. In the mean time you can expect a post tomorrow from me focusing on my big mouth. I know, you're already salivating for it aren't you? Surely!

Overhaul

2010-04-01T10:54:00.002+01:00

You know how I keep going on about what a slacker I am and how I want to be a bigger part of this community and play a more active roll (because I do love you guys, I do)? And you know how I keep saying this and doing nothing about it? And you know how I mentioned I wanted a new blog design?

Well no more sitting around picking my nose (Eta: I don't pick my nose...least not while anyone is watching... Except my Husband, he doesn't count, much to his own dismay), It's happening.

I'm in the process of moving to Wordpress (YES) and I have created a Twitter account and FB fan page...? I was up late last night video chatting with my brother who informed me these are the things a "good blogger" does. He's been a blogger/networker for years and does it well so I suppose he'd know, right?

So please bare with me but I promise soon I will be able to announce my official move to Wordpress and away from Blogger. I hope you'll all follow me over there too.

What do you get when you cross a Strawberry and a Pineapple?

2010-03-31T11:08:00.003+01:00

Why a Pineberry of course. On Sky News this morning it's all the talk (War? what war? Murders? huh? Fruit is definitely a more important headline), The new fruit: Pineberries.

If you are lucky enough to live near a Waitrose then get your butt down there because they go out of season in 5 weeks times.

It's all very exciting IF it's true. While reading all the reports on this new and exciting fruit I am very aware of what the date is tomorrow and how notorious the British Press are for pulling one on the public.

But If it is true already my brain is working over load on the kind of fun deserts I can create. And I will. I am lucky enough to live quite close to a very large Waitrose and will be visiting there in the next few days in hopes to stock up.

Have you heard of Pineberries? Do you know if they are real? Do you have any suggestions on recipes?

I'll keep you updated.

14 days of mayhem

2010-03-23T13:42:00.002Z

Or maybe it was more.

I'm not sure but I do know I feel like I need a holiday from being busy. And no I don't want to sit on a beach or go somewhere on a relaxing vacation, I want time to do my laundry and mop my floor and I want to be able to organize my pantry and sit down and watch trashy television and go to the shops without having to rush. ENJOY a normal, mundane, routine day.

That is what I want.

I've had a very busy past few weeks with visits from old American friends and EVERYONE AND THEIR DOG's Birthday (which involves some sort of party or visit) I have been socializing too much for my liking. Not that I didn't enjoy every minute off it, but I'm ready for a good month of normality now before anyone asks me to do anything else that involves disrupting my homely routine.

We have bought our tickets to fly home end of May for 3 weeks to enjoy (and I organize) my sisters wedding and I am ITCHING to get home. I haven't been home for 3 years. It's a long time.

I obviously have also been neglecting you, for which I apologize.

I have a study now, at the end of our garden (god bless my handy man husband) and I have been enjoying hiding in there and pouring over books and recipes and thinking of blogging. Eventually when I get wireless I'll be able to dedicate this as my blogging room and you may all see more of me. I hope I will be able to become a larger more constructive part of this community as well.

Once I get back on my toes I will also be holding a Foodie Pay It Forwards in which 3 of you will be the recipients of a foodie goodies box from the UK.

For the love of Beets

2010-02-25T11:48:00.004Z

When vegetables are this good looking - who needs supermodels!

I was quite surprised yesterday that quite a few of my American counterpart bloggers had never tried beetroot, which drew to my attention that Beets (like Rhubarb) are not quite so much a staple as they are here. So I thought maybe I should educate you all on such a wonderful vegetable and share with you a few other ways to use it.

Beetroots make their biggest appearance for my family on Boxing Day (26th of December) where the traditional meal of pickle and mash is had. I love picked beetroot and I love it even more when it stains my fluffy mash potato a beautiful violet hue. Generally pickled beets are the most bought type of beets, I warn you though, they're a bit like Marmite (If you're American you might very well not have a clue what I'm talking about here...I'll do another post regarding marmite soon.) You ever love them or hate them.

I personally, love them. I love that they are so versatile and a real great way to make a drab looking dish, colorful and beautiful. Grated over a plain old chicken salad? Perfect!

Here's a few other great facts about Beets that just make them that more appealing:

Beetroot contains betaine, a substance that relaxes the mind and is used to treat depression. It also contains trytophan (also found in chocolate!) which contributes to a sense of well being.
The Romans considered beetroot an aphrodisiac (it’s rich in the mineral boron which is important in the production of human sex hormones). The belief persists to this day that if a man and a woman eat from the same beetroot, they will fall in love (with each other, presumably.)
It’s an excellent source of folic acid and is therefore recommended to women who are pregnant or planning to become pregnant.
Cooked beetroot is a great source of folate that can protect you against high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s and dementia. It is also crucial to the development of a baby’s spinal cord during the first three months of pregnancy, so a good intake of folate is important to prevent spinal cord defects such as spina bifida.
Beetroot is a naturally environmentally-friendly crop, rarely needing treatment with pesticides.

If you're still unsure about trying beets (why?!) then why don't you have a look over these recipes to get your taste buds tingling?

Borscht Soup - A classic beetroot soup originating from Poland.

Beetroot, Avocado and Goats Cheese Salad served with Parma Ham - The combination is. peeeerfect.

Beetroot and Onion Chutney - I heart this so much.

Beetroot & Wild Mushrooms Tartlet in Filo Pastry - Why wouldn't you?

But my favourite easy way to curb my Beetroot craving? Couple of slices of whole meal bread, several slices of beetroot dipped in malt vinegar arranged on top, salt, pepper and a generous sprinkling of cheddar cheese... Toasted of course.

All information comes from www.lovebeetroot.co.uk .... Yeah, thats right people, they've even got their own website. Booyah.

Healthy Cake... yeah, right.

2010-02-24T09:02:00.004Z

I've been baking a lot lately, swooning my colleagues at work with my baking confectionaries and taking orders for family and friend birthday parties. Last week it was cupcakes galore (thank you hummingbird bakery cookbook) and Angel Food cake (They don't have that in England...so wrong). This week is Pioneer Women's Tres Leche Cake and next week The most beautiful cake I have ever tasted, Beetroot and Seed Cake. Yes that's right kids, a healthy cake. Well, as healthy as a tasty cake is ever going to get. Just ingnore the gallons of oil. Hrm?

My collegue bought this in yesterday to work and I have no quarls with saying this is better than anything I have ever made. Beautifully moist and so very flavourful. I must insist you try it.

Beetroot and Seed Cake

225g self-raising flour
½ tsp bicarbonate of soda
1 scant tsp baking powder
½ tsp ground cinnamon
180ml sunflower oil
225g light muscovado sugar
3 eggs
150g raw beetroot
juice of half a lemon
75g sultanas or raisins
75g mixed seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, linseed)
for the icing:
8 tbsp icing sugar
lemon juice or orange blossom water
poppy seeds

Set the oven at 180C/gas mark 4. Lightly butter a rectangular loaf tin (20cm x 9cm x 7cm deep, measured across the bottom) then line the bottom with baking parchment.

Sift together the flour, bicarbonate of soda, baking powder and cinnamon. Beat the oil and sugar in a food mixer until well creamed then introduce the beaten egg yolks one by one, reserving the whites for later.

Grate the beetroot coarsely and fold into the mixture, then add the lemon juice, raisins or sultanas and the assorted seeds. Fold the flour and raising agents into the mixture while the machine is turning slowly.

Beat the egg whites till light and almost stiff. Fold gently but thoroughly into the mixture with a large metal spoon (a wooden one will knock the air out). Pour the mixture into the cake tin and bake for 50-55 minutes, covering the top with a piece of foil after 30 minutes. Test with a skewer to see if done. The cake should be moist inside but not sticky. Leave the cake to settle for a good 20 minutes before turning out of its tin on to a wire cooling rack.

To make the icing, sieve the icing sugar and stir in enough lemon juice or orange blossom water to achieve a consistency where the icing will run over the top of the cake and dribble slowly down the sides (about three teaspoonfuls), stirring to remove any lumps. Drizzle over the cake and scatter with poppy seeds. Leave to set before eating.

Theta Mom Thursday

2010-02-11T16:28:00.003Z

Ah sweet Thursday. Here we are again. Quite nice, no? Thursday's is my Friday (sucka's) and I love Fridays. A day for just me and my boy.

But this isn't about me and my boy, this is about me and how I managed to make some time for myself. This week it was much more low key, but equally as satisfying. I've been having about a hour to myself in the evenings 3 nights a week where I do my Davina DVD and work those calories off! After I've clenched, crunched, flexed and stretched I throw on my bathrobe, claim my corner of the sofa and pull out my latest "project".

I haven't told you yet, have I? Oh it's something I'm very excited about. Husband bought me a beautiful hand made leather journal for Christmas, with a beautiful bronze latch. It's only small, but very thick and it's perfect. I'm slowly turning it into the family recipe book. filling the thing up with my favourite recipes (pictures, notes and reviews to go with as well) and one day I plan to hand it down to the next generation. I've always wanted to do something like this and now I can. It's great. It's more scrap booky than recipe book but it's just how I like it and I've really been enjoying taking an hour in the evening to do my cutting and pasting and writing. I'm sure it'll be slowly filled through the years and I hope my children will add to it as well... and their children.

I suppose this could be constituted as family time since I'm doing it for the family, but it's nice to have a project. You know?

It's the GHOST LIGHT!

2010-02-10T11:29:00.002Z

It was a long night last night.

Last week out neighbors fitted a sensor light in their back garden as they were having problems with foxes. This obviously pissed off the people behind us as last night I watched as they fitted a spot light themselves and aimed it at our neighbors window. Hm. Very Neighborly.

I didn't think much of it to be honest, that was of course until I awoke with a start to the sound of my Son screaming like bloody mary. Now, let me first say, generally once Son goes to bed we don't hear a peep from him again until 7am the next morning. He's a good sleeper. So when he cries at night it generally means something is wrong (he's sick for example). Husband had only just gotten into bed when Son started crying (around midnight) so he went to check on him. He settled quite quickly and Husband climbed back into bed. And the cycle began, every 30 minutes until 3am he woke up and Husband went to settle him. Around 3.30am He began to cry again, I figured Husband must be missing something when he was going into Son's room so it was time for a mothers touch (just so you know... I'm not lazy, Husband and I have an arrangement that whoever has to get up the earliest for work gets to stay in bed if Son wakes. And yes, I was working early the next morning). So bleary eyes and feeling my way through the dark I head for Son's bedroom. It's about now I notice a strange orange glow coming from under his door. I have to say it made me nervous so I picked up the pace and burst into the bedroom.

I have to say there was a moment when I worried my Son might be being abducted or that something paranormal was amiss. The room had an eerie orange glow about it and I walked in to find Son plastered to the opposite wall of the window, eyes wide with fear. Oh my poor baby! I picked him up to comfort him and sang a quick verse of his favourite song to make him smile and then together we investigated this light. Yup, sure enough it was the stupid people behind us who had aimed a little to far to the left and were shinning the 1MILLION watt light bulb into my sons room every time a cat sneezed. There wasn't much I could do to prevent it at 3.30am and even my Son's heavy black out curtains weren't keeping it out, so I explained to Son what the light was and that it was nothing to be afraid of and hoped for the best.

Much to my pleasure Son got it and slept the rest of the night peacefully and I gleefully rubbed my glory into Husband's face who despite 3 hours at attempting to get Son to settle he had no luck. Rock on Mama.

I'll be making a trip to the light house tonight to ask them to point their stadium light else where.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2010-02-09T22:47:00.001Z

Lets random it up once again with Un Mom. This is a good day to do random for me because I can't focus on a single freaking thing. Work is all over the place and so am I. I have minimal attention span today and all I can say is thank god Husband is picking up Son today because I'd probably end up walking out with the wrong kid.

There is nothing like cursing the country you live in.

Which I of course did when on Friday I took Son out to the park in a T-shirt and zip up and stated to him that I had a feeling we'd be having an early spring this year. So of course its snowing again now, and shit cold. My luck... so yeah, sorry Britain.

I recently bought the Hummingbird Bakery Recipe book and I honestly don't think it gets much better than this. Do you know the Hummingbird? It's quite famous/well known/elite here in the UK, though I'm not sure about the USA.
It's pretty much the most perfect place for American Baked goods in the UK and you should check it out even if it's just to look at the pretty pictures.

I'm left with a dilemma now though. I'm making my own Birthday cake next week and I can't decide between making a Salted Caramel Chocolate Cake, Tres Leches Cake or Red Velvet.... What would you like? I of course could make all three.... maybe... but then which one do I take to work? I'm leaning towards the Salted Caramel because it sound posh and complicated and more likely to impress.

Moving on to further random it's week 3 of daily crunches and backside exercises for yours truly.. I think, think I can feel muscles. Now just to get rid of this layer or chub and I might finally be able to see this supermodel body I've been waiting for. hah. yeah. right. This is of course after I eat the three birthday cakes I'm going to make myself.

Did I mention Potty training starts soon... Stage 1 is in progress in which I attempt to get Son to have a sit on the pot while I get him changed in the morning and at night. So far not so good. He doesn't want to do it. No questions asked. So we'll be taking it slow, no pressure, and when he feels ready we'll go for it full on.

Ah... I do love me some random.

Theta Mom Thursday

2010-02-04T16:03:00.004Z

No, YOUR Mom! ... It's here again, the day when we all rack our brains to remember if he had an hour of "me time". Well I did. In fact I had nearly a whole weekend. GASP. It rocked.

Saturday night Husband and I were booked to be attending Wife's 30th Birthday Bash. Since it was in London and we haven't been "properly" out for a long time we decided to hand Son off to the in-laws and book a hotel in the city. The hotel was only about 20 minutes from the venue, a bar called Sway in Holborn. We checked in around 4pm and thanks to who my Husband is got access to all the executive areas and took full advantage of the lounge, canapes and wine. The party itself wasn't bad though neither Husband or I's scene. We're not 'clubbing' people. Both of us like to dance and we both like to be out and social but I (despite my age) feel very old when I go to clubs. Also, WAY too many people for me. When I go out I like to go out to spend time and catch up with my friends, not too fight off unwanted advances from men, and I'd like to say that being there with my Husband would prevent this but if he's not laughing at me then he's fighting the ladies off too.

It was a good night though, we all got rather merry, Wife didn't stress and flap about too much, Husband was offered a 'quick one' in the bathroom by one of Wife's friends who despite the fact that I was dancing with Husband at the time thought she might have a chance. Yeah, right girl. And we still made it back to the hotel in time for midnight.

The best part of the whole weekend of course was the hotel breakfast. You can't beat a hotel breakfast.

I find it very strange though how because I don't do a big night out often I really really crave them but then as soon as I have them I realize there are things I would rather be doing. i.e. nice meal out, dinner party, movies, west end show. I guess marriage and motherhood have made me old ;)

I wanted to go out and change the world but I couldn't find a babysitter.

2010-02-03T21:39:00.003Z

Since I'm so heart broken this week about missing Random Tuesday Thoughts and also I have no brain power at the moment to write anything intelligent, witty or slightly interesting on my blog concerning my life (unless of course you want to hear more about my love for Vampires and also my frustration at having too big an ego to indulge myself and become the fat women I really am deep down)
I thought I'd share with you a few of my favourite quotes revolving around being a wife and mother.

Enjoy.

To be today's real women, you need to have the physique of Venus, the cunning of Cleopatra, the courage of Joan of Arc, the wardrobe of Marie Antoinette and the cleaning ability of Ammonia D.
- Joyce Jillson

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
- Marion Smith

Among all forms of absurd courage, the courage of girls is outstanding. Otherwise there would be fewer marriages.
- Colette (Sidonie Gabrielle)

When men cook, cooking is viewed as an important activity; when women cook, it is just a household chore.
-Margaret Mead (1901-1978)

I found this quote last week and ironically the day after I had a "discussion" with my Husband about how he seemed to treat the bathroom like a wet room. Seems like men have been doing this for years... So I guess I have no hope.

Men never drip before getting out of the shower. They saturate themselves and then plunge headlong into a towel - leaving the bathroom as though it's been through a hard time in the North Sea.
- Pam Brown B. 1928

Argh!

2010-02-03T10:18:00.002Z

I have been trying to blog for 3 days and every time I head for the computer or open up the browser some fool wants my attention. It's not cool people, not cool.

I missed Random Tuesday too! I had a little post-it note on my monitor with random things I was going to include in my post... It's slightly heartbroken, don't you think?

Ok...Granted, I could have blogged last night but it was the first episode and double bill of "The Vampire Diary's"... I sat down thinking I'd just watch the first 30 minutes figuring I wouldn't like such a silly programme. 2 hours later and Husband and I are sat squealing together. Him over the awesome biting/ninja moves and me over the oh so hawt and mysterious and Vampires...Also the passionate completely devoted love? ... Ah Sigh.

So yeah, now you know. You didn't get a post because I was busy fantasising about Vampires, and I'm not ashamed! ... I do love me a bit of broody bad boy. As you all know.

You should all be happy to know though that now, since it has been a few days I've got all kinds of different things I wanted to say, so I might just grace you with a few posts over the next few days... I know, I know, you can thank me later.

Blowing some steam

2010-01-29T13:01:00.005Z

I'm 25 in a few weeks... I like to remind everyone of this because to me it seems old but I know to you lot (and most of my friends) it makes them want to weep. Obviously not really but I do love saying "Oh, that was way before my time" when discussing things with friends/family. It's my little dig.

Despite being only 25 and the youngest amongst my friends and family here in England, I am often mistaken for being older. And when I say often I mean: Anyone that didn't know how old I was before they met me.

The general age bracket I am placed into is 26-30 at first glance. And upon discovering I am married and have a son this shoots up to 30-35.

Why? Ahem, and I quote: Because only stupid women would marry and have children before they're 30.

Why thank you.

Not only do I look old, but I'm stupid. It's cool. What do you think?
The reason behind this was that before 30 you are too young and immature and not ready and why would you throw your life away that soon?

It is often assumed amongst people that I was knocked up when I walked down the isle and that is the only reason I would marry someone 15 years my senior.

Isn't it funny how the majority of people wear blinkers? I am often shocked at how close-minded people are. And education has nothing to do with it, the above quote was said by one of the Psychologists at my work. A Doctor no less.

It makes me laugh because I hear their comments and then I look at what they are telling me about their lives and although of course I don't know the whole story they never come across as strong as you would expect. And here I am, yes; young. yes; married. yes; a mother. yes; fucking happy. I know I've said it before but I dig my life. I made the exact right choices for me.

And I say this without hesitation, I know I am a far better mother than some of the 30+ mothers I know. Granted two of these mother I know are completely bonkers. But you think my Son is so happy, and clever and brave and strong and confident JUST because we got lucky? No, a big part of that is because we are good parents.

Don't judge me because of my age or how I've chosen to live my life.

And while I'm on that note, there is nothing that saddens me and pisses me off more than women being nasty to women without any reason other than that they didn't do exactly what you did. I made a comment on my Facebook status about how I really enjoyed Belle De Jour and Billie Pipers interview

and pretty much every straight girl I know (none of my close friends thank god) commented on how they hated them because they were ho's and "not that good looking anyway" ... Shit, try and look a little deeper people. But first, why not try starting with yourself?

Don't tarnish me with your brush just because I like who I am.

/End Rant.

Theta Mom Thursday

2010-01-28T16:04:00.008Z

Theta Mom Thursday is BACK. I couldn't be happier because one of husband and I's New Year resolutions was to get more "me time" for both of us, and this is one NY-res I've been keeping! Husband... not so much. But that's his problem, not mine.

Anyways, Me Me Me! Right?

I'll do a quick run down.

every 4 weeks Sunday evening myself and two of my girlfriends from work go to the pictures, it's a new well loved tradition for the three of us because we've managed to work out that if we pre-buy the tickets and then go to Frankie & Benny's for a pitcher of cocktail between us and a shared desert we only pay £15 each. and £15 for a great girly night out? Well, I'm not complaining.

I've been taking advantage of Christmas Gifts such as Lush Bath Products, Books from my wish list and bottles of wine. combined, this is a stella evening in for me and I've been making a point to do it weekly.

Another one of Husband and I's NY-res was that every 3rd Friday of the month we will be having "date night". Our babysitter has been organized and our first "date" will be next month.

January tends to be busier than December for me, mostly because my 4 closest friends all have birthday's and then it's February and it's Valentines day and my Birthday. So there will be lots of parties and dinners over the coming 4 weeks.

Also a new tradition has begun to brew in our household over the last 3 weeks.

Officially:

Monday is Baking Day - Son and I will endeavor to make those cakes I spoke about!

Friday is Margarita/Foodie night - Inspired by Pam over at Sidewalk Shoes, Husband will be in charge of making the drinks and I will be making a new "up market" grow up dinner. Just. for. us.

What did I say recently about 2010? I have a feeling I am going to be right.

O' Father of mine...tell me where have you been?

2010-01-27T11:12:00.003Z

As you may all be aware I had an abusive father growing up and recently I have been in therapy finally dealing with my past and as they say ‘facing my daemons’. I say ‘Had an abusive father’ because although he is still very much alive and very much a part of my siblings lives and very much still a typical abuser (nothing special about him) he is not a part of my life now and no longer effects me. I remember when I started therapy the main focus was how angry I was at him and how I got even angrier when people told me I would have to stop being angry to get past the abuse. How could I? I had a right to be angry! I would never stop hating him.

I started therapy 8 months ago. Last Thursday was my last session. Not because our time was up or because I couldn’t hack it, But because I’m, for lack of a better word… Fixed.

And much to my surprise I’m not angry anymore. Not at all. A little sad, yes. But not about my Father, I’m sad I never had a father. I plan on writing up a more conclusive post regarding my time in therapy and how I feel now but this will be a more revealing post (dark but I think with a positive edge) so I’ll save it for my (rarely used) Psychoanalyze This blog.

But to sum up I’m good now. Unaffected. Acknowledging. Embracing. Strong. Proud. Brave. I’m not going to put happy there because even before therapy I wasn’t a un-happy person, I was haunted. I’ve always been a happy, chin-up kinda gal. But I’ve finally put down that big bag of shit I was carrying around.

I am sad though, in a nostalgic kind of way. What bought this on was Vicky’s post over at Frugal Mom Knows Best regarding her Dad and it made me realize I never had what she is describing, and never will. Like a lot of people I suppose but I don’t wish MY father had been that Dad, because he no longer exists in that context to me. But I do wish I had a Dad.

Vicky wrote this:
I TRULY believe that anyone off the street can be a biological father, but it takes a real man to be a dad. A dad is someone who worries about you. A dad is someone who teaches you, guides you, protects you. A dad is someone who leads by example. A dad is someone who will never be too proud to tell his children he made a mistake. A dad is someone who will absolutely never turn his back on you, will never give up no matter how many times you push him away. A dad is someone who will have a glimmer of pride in his eye as they watch you get a diploma, and a glimmer of tears as he walks you down the aisle. A dad is someone who will love your children as much as he loves you, because they are a part of you. A dad is someone who worries about you and checks your oil/tires/whatever to make sure you are safe. A dad is someone who wipes away your tears and brushes back your hair to comfort you. A dad is someone who hugs you so tight you can feel the love. A dad is someone that makes you KNOW you matter to him.

Reading that again makes me choke up because it seems like a nice thing to have. I’m lucky I suppose that I had my late-grandfather who is and always will be the best man I’ve ever known and my hero, and now my father-in-law who fills the hole quite nicely, but there is still that hole and it makes me miss my Granddad terribly.

My mother, who I have a very strong relationship with, wasn’t always able to make me safe and I forgive her now and understand why and also thank her because her mistakes have made me a better mother, which I am eternally grateful for.

What is it they say? … You are what you make of yourself not what they make of you.

Whatever it is, one of the things I love most is being me. I’m really quite a rad person to be. I mean, I’d read my blog… you know? ;)

P.S. I dig Vicky. Btw. You should too... Though I'm sure you do already.

P.P.S I have been reading your blogs and I have made a promise to myself to make time to comment too. I've had little time on the net lately and other than a quick read through my blogroll I haven't been able to do much.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2010-01-26T14:59:00.006Z

Time to random it up chumps, and there is really only one way to get down with the Random and that's with Un Mom.

We'll start of with a little ego booster for yours truly.

While putting away some files at work (which of course involved a lot of bending and stretching) I caught two of my male work colleagues staring at my backside. It's not a first, but it was done in such a sit-com manner that I had to laugh out loud. They were both leaning back from their desks so far in their chairs they were toying with certain loss of balance. Not to mention when I caught them they both scrambled to sit up and look normal and then when they thought I wasn't looking gave each other a thumbs up. Nice boys, real nice.

I wish my husband told me stories. He's a funny guy and I KNOW there are stories to be told

but he never shares. Even when I prompt him I never get anything good.

Most recent example:

Me: How was work?

Him: Not bad, got in a fight with ____

Me: Really?! omg what happened?!

Him: He was being a dick

Me: Omg what did he say?!!

Him: Stuff.

Me: OmG Like what?!

Him: I dunno...stuff that pissed me off.

Me: ok...What did you do?

Him: *shrug* put him in his place.

Me: OmG like took him down tooooown!?

Him: .......what?

Me: .....how did you put him in his place?

Him: I just did.

FIN.

The end of story that I KNOW must have been more exciting than that.

It drives me mad because I know my Husband if he put his mind to it

and remembered such things would probably be the best blogging material

I could ever ask for. But no.

Does 3am mean anything to you? Well if you're like me and you like scaring yourself with movies based loosely around the devil/hell/all things anti-Christ then you'll know 3am is the hour of the devil. Apparently a prime time for paranormal and demonic activity. So did it worry me when after discovering (quite innocently) that my family and 3 of my girlfriends all awoke without reason at 3am on Friday night? Not particularly... How about when out of curiosity I asked everyone in my office and discovered that 14 out of 18 people had also awoken without reason at 3am and taken note of the time? ... No, I wasn't worried. But it did make me wonder why the other 4 people are so closed off.*

For the love of god why can't I find a Bundt Cake tin ANYWHERE* in this stupid country.

Chocolate with caramel in the middle does things to me my husband will never be able to do. Fact.

*Disclaimer: I totally don't believe in any of that, but it's cool to think about.

*Anywhere = Shops within walking distances of my house.

Bath Ballistic

2010-01-23T09:57:00.001Z

This was my bath last night. I know what ya'll are thinking, and no, it wasn't because of that.

One of my Christmas presents was a box of Lush's Bath Ballistics. Which is all well and good and most of them were except Satsumo Santa. Satsumo Santa was a citrus Bath Ballistic and he was last to go from my box of lovely smelly's only because I'm not a huge fan of citrus bath products.

From the moment I dropped little fat Santa into my bath and he started to sizzle and deteriorate away I was disturbed. the pong that was coming from the bath water was a mix between orange juice and fermented bananas and to top it of the sizzling action that is part of these bath ballistics started to sound like poor little fat Santa was screaming for his life. I don't blame him though, I like my bath's scolding hot.

I let him sizzle away while I went into the bedroom to grab my towel and strip. When I came back the bath was...well see above. Red. Period blood red. Not even like an inviting red. But blood red. I called for Husband, asking if he thought I should follow through with this bath after all. He (while holding his hand over his nose) chuckled and said I should give it a go.

I climbed in and was accosted by the even stronger smell of gone off fruit and was now starting to fear for the pigmentation of my skin. Get the camera! I called to Husband and he took the photo and helped me out. We stood together and watched the sand like remnants of little fat Santa swirl around the plug hole.

Good riddance.

Tequila, Margarita, Mexican and Me

2010-01-19T10:03:00.006Z

There are only three thing in the whole wide world I don't have the will power to say no too and they are Tequila, Margaritas and Mexican food. It's my true weakness. I physically get excited and giddy when the opportunity arises for me to have any of the previously mentioned three. We don't get it a lot here in the UK. Not good Mexican food or REAL Margaritas, so it is a special occasion when we do.

Husband is also a huge 'won't ever say no' fan and there is a mutual understanding that we might even love these things more than we love each other. Well not entirely true because if Tequila and Mexican do anything for our relationship it is bring us closer together. We always have a wicked night out when those three ingredients are involved. It almost feels like being young again...Us before Son and Marriage. It's invigorating.

So you can imagine my delight and quick change of heart when I was told my works (late) Christmas party would be held at Red & Green, a Mexican Restaurant... A Mexican restaurant I am ashamed to say I did not even know existed. After studying the website while breaking into a cold sweat I reconsidered my lack of enthusiasm at attending the Christmas Party were disappearing fast and I was over come by the need to Make.Sure.I.Was.There.

Instantly I called husband and he managed to through my excited garble decipher the words 'Tequila', 'Mexican' and 'Heaven' and without hesitation agreed we'd be going.

The only problem is, it being January and a 5 week month for Husband and I, money's pretty tight and too top it off my Wife and My Crazy friend are both turning 30 at the end of the month. Once of those parties is the night after the Christmas party and the other party is the weekend after... So really I shouldn't be going out this much, I mean I need to be responsible and after all I am a mother... It's not like I'm in my 20's anymo-.... wait.

No no, because you know what... It would just be pushing my bank account to it's limits if I did this. Went to this Christmas Party. It's not like I can ditch my friend's 30th...

BUT TEQUILA PEOPLE!!!!

Screw it. I'm doing it all... You understand, right?

In over my head

2010-01-18T13:05:00.002Z

My father-in-law bought me this book for Christmas as he knows I'm a bit of a aspiring baker and I feeling particularly generous and brave last week handed the book around my office and asked everyone to tab one cake they would like me to make and starting next week I will make one cake a week and bring it into work.

All of these cakes look beautiful (Especially the fresh fig ones), some of them look like I could make them with no disasters, others look like I might mess it right up. But despite the out come being it baking success or baking disaster I have promised to bring the cake into work for praise, feedback and criticisms.

I've gotten back into my baking swing lately, though I am aware I haven't been posting about them, so no need to remind me. Mostly cookies have been on the menu lately. I've got Pam's ( @ for the love of cooking) Sinckerdoodles in the oven right now (which are to.die.for) and last week I made a slight adaption of this recipe. Added 1/4 tsp nutmeg and extra butter (thought I can't tell you how much) to make them moister...is moister a word?

So cakes galore starting next week. I'll be baking them Monday, taking them in to work Tuesday and then letting you know how it went down Wednesday.

Also I've decided I'm going to stop apologizing for not posting much... because at the moment I only seem to manage 3 (give or take) posts a week and I'm sorry guys... but that'll have to do for now, at least until my life gets more interesting.

one day...oh one day.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2010-01-12T14:53:00.006Z

Welcome to my Random Tuesday Thoughts! If you don't know what this is (but I bet you do) go check out the very best Un Mom and she'll explain all.

Things that are good times:

Hot musk and vanilla scented baths with a cup of maple tea.

Finally finding something that distracts your kid for longer than 10 minutes.

Finding your groove in your job.

Things that are bad times:

Your son finding it hilarious to dump all his lego's into your bath.

watching the movie Cars 4-6 times a day.

finding out you might be out of a job within 2 months

The good news re: the job front is that it's not because I suck and don't get my work done because I'm too busy on blogger but because the NHS service I work for is being disbanded and they haven't figured out that I don't get my work done because i spend my time blogging. This does mean though that if I can't find a suitable part time job by end of March then I might have to consider...GASP... Full time. Yikes, I know. But hey, it'll only be until I go on my next maternity leave, right?

Right now.. All I want out of life is this. Click the link...check it out... you'll understand.

I'm not in highschool. I'm young, yes. But I'm not in highschool...In fact I'm married with a child and a job and so really I can't work and dedicate my life to a friend. In fact I don't think you're a very good friend if you expect me to do that. I also don't want to talk to you or anyone on the phone 3 times a day. It's not because I don't love you but simply because I don't have that many things to say to you. I also hate repeating myself which adds to this. Also I have lots of friends and I love them all and I want to see them all, so one taking up all my time doesn't float my boat. Also it's TOTALLY cool if we don't speak for weeks at a time because you know what? Good friends don't need too. One of my closets and most trusted friends I speak to once every 3 months and I haven't seen her in 2 years, but I know when I do see her it'll just be like old times. I'd also like to be able to spend a weekend without having plans or seeing anyone. And it should be ok to not invite anyone over because I just want to spend a Sunday at home with my Husband and Son. I shouldn't have to have a reason. I don't need to justify my life.

I'm pretty sure that's all normal stuff too...for adult friendships. Right?
Because we all understand that each other has their own lives as well.
right? ... You'd think.

breaking the rules

2010-01-11T12:31:00.000Z

So far I've kept Husband pretty anonymous because...well, I don't want you all stealing him when you realize what a catch he is (I swear if i hear laughing now... *shakes fist*) but I thought I'd share this video demonstrating the kind of things Husband and I get up to once Son is in bed in a grand attempt to amuse ourselves.

it works.

P.S. The chick in the back ground isn't me. I'm behind the camera.

Sweet sunday

2010-01-10T18:08:00.004Z

My devil child has been an angel this past weekend. Although he's reached the tantrum age when he IS being good he's better than ever. The sweetest thing. I guess that's how it works though, so we can get through the tantrums.

As you may recall I won Kevin's (at Closet Cooking) pay it forward. Christmas Eve I received my foodie package and saved it to open on Christmas. Kevin couldn't have done better by me. The box was filled with the most amazing maple goodies which is perfect since it's almost impossible to find good maple products in this country unless you're prepared sell your kidney on the black market to pay for it.

A bottle of 100% pure maple syrup which is sat proudly on my counter (I'm afraid to use it yet though because the sooner I use it the sooner it will be gone). A bag of maple sugar which I am soo psyched about because I can feel a cookie recipe coming on. A box of Maple Cream cookies which my.god are to die for. Totally moreish and perfect with my cup of tea in the evenings. I've been enjoying those very much over the past two weeks. Maple tea, which I haven't tried yet but will be trying tonight to accompany my bath, Canadian Mustard which I'm really interested to try since I'm a fan of mustard of any kind and some Japanese kit kats... Which I'd like to tell you about except my Son ate them while I wasn't looking so I didn't get any. He seemed to enjoy them though.

I'll be holding my Pay it Forward in a few months time once I've recovered from Christmas and my Son's approaching 2nd Birthday.

Did I mention I'm 25 next month. That's old. Ok fine... Not old. But it feels old. It feels old because I've really enjoyed being able to say I'm in my early 20's. Early 20's are good. Mid 20's? That's like saying "The fun's over but I still haven't come to terms with it"... I will never come to terms with it! :)

my winter wonderland

2010-01-07T21:11:00.003Z

Everyone is England is making a big flap about this horrible weather. 30f and snow and ice and cold cold cold. But I think there's something kind of magical about it all. And I'm not talking about how pretty everything looks with a dusting of snow (because seriously...nothing can make Ilford and East Ham look pretty) but how people have changed. The same people that usually bump and rush past you on your way to work are now wishing you luck as you slide across the pavement, laughing with you as you both grab the same wall to prevent yourselves from slipping, older women clutching women in heels in an attempt to hold each other up. It's kind of nice... It's kind of like for a moment, busy London is becoming a community.

This all being said I can't wait for the snow to melt and the temperature to go up. I'd much rather be warm, unapproachable and stable on my feet than cold, on my back and smiling at my neighbor.

So, Christmas eh? A few things happened.
1) My Husband didn't completely fail at the gift buying this year.
2) I totally ROCKED the gift buying this year.
3) My Son was given a drum set....ihateyousister-in-law
4) My sister finally set a wedding date in May which means we can now buy our tickets to go home to California.
5) My Son is mature for his age and it seems has reached the terrible 2s.

He looks sweet doesn't he? playing with his gay kitchen... Well he's not. He's the devil. His mood swings are worse than mine when I'm full blown perioding it. One second he's happy and loves me and then OHMYGODEVERYTHINGISBADANDIHATEYOUFORBEINGTHEWORSTMOTHEREVERBECAUSEYOUJUSTTOLDMETOBECAREFUL.
It's alright if you didn't get that...

I'd describe the terrible 2's for you but I'm sure most of you know it from first hand experience or have seen it in action over the head of your frazzled friend/relative. Everything is no. He bites. He hits. He throws. He screams. He cries. He thinks it's the end of the world. He is totally inconsolable. Totally. And then... it's over and he's happy again.

Wotever. I'm so bored with it now. Husband thinks that since he's reached the terrible 2s early maybe they won't last as long...I then asked Husband "you do realize it isn't just the terrible two's right?... there's the torturous 3's and the frighting 4's and the fearful 5's and the sickening 6's"

Husband went into a corner and cried.

Oh and to add to this. Come March 25th we're trying for another baby! Hurrah! I know it seems very scheduled but it's because that's when my appointment to get out my birth control implant is. Should be knocked up by the 26th. We are taking bets though people. :)

I'm finding it hard to make myself find time to blog. Not because I don't want to be because I always feel I should be doing something.... productive.

This is productive though, right?

Well hello there...

2010-01-05T11:42:00.003Z

Hello my friends! Ah, it's been too long, no? I have missed you. But please keep that on the down low, don't want it to get out that I've gone soft.

It's been a blissfully busy 3 weeks of Christmas/New Years mayhem. Lots of relatives to see and lots of people to clean up after. It was brilliant though and one of the best holiday seasons I've had. Only today are my feet finally touching the ground and I'm starting to remember real life. I'm a little relieved to be back at work actually, it's nice to have some normality and routine again.

Kid bro came and went and now my house feels empty without him. I'm suffering some serious home sickness at the moment which I'm dealing with by over planning my trip home (California) in May. Roll on!

I'd like to share hundrads of pictures with you but as you all know when it come to me and a camera we don't get along at the best of times so I'll maybe do some editing tonight and see if I can scrounge up a few. Accompanied by stories of course.

But for now, this is just to say I'm "back" and I missed you and I'm daunted by the task of catching up with my blog roll but also looking forward to it and I'll be back soon with those pictures but for now I really should get back to doing some work.

I hope you all had a fab Holiday period too! And I'm looking forward to where 2010 brings us all.

Girls! All I really want is Girls!

2009-12-16T20:13:00.005Z

And I of course sing this in the "girly time" sense... Not the "I wanna see some titties" sense. Titties is a horrible word. It makes me laugh and cringe all at the same time.

Last night I finally got my long awaited girl night out. No cancellations and a encouraging text from Husband to "have a wonderful time". And we did.

Myself and two girlies (who we'll dub BigHair and Truffles) from work decided we needed to have a Christmas girl celebration so yesterday after work we bundled up tight and headed down for a stroll around the German Christmas Market at Southbank. I love German Christmas Markets with a passion. When I lived in Birmingham there was one every year that I spent every evening in from Dec 1st to Dec 23rd. Even if you don't buy anything it's a pleasure to just be there.
It was a very cold evening so we of course had to start off by purchasing a lovely mug of mulled wine. Now let me tell you, that stuff? It was strong! shoooooooot. As we drank we walked around the stalls, admiring all the hand made trinkets and beautiful crafts. We gossiped about work and made fun of some of the hats people were wearing (even though I secretly was admiring. omghats!)

After having a look around we settled munching on German Frankfurters and potato hash.

My frankfurter was interesting... It had cheese filing and although tasty I found hard to eat because every time I bit into it this white creamy/salty cheese good shot into the back of my throat.... I don't swallow FYI so this was quite disturbing for me.

Mulled wine, Christmas shopping, Giant sausages and girl talk were going down well for us, but something was missing. Ah! Desert! Lucky for me I know Southbank/Westminster very well (Husband works in that area) and so was aware that just around the corner you could purchase the best hot chocolate ever. Ever ladies. Ever.

So we headed into the warm quaint underground French Cafe and ordered our selves 3 large hot chocolates with extra whip cream. Now just so you can picture it, this hot chocolate? It's served in a mug, yes, but really you have to eat it with a spoon. Like a pudding almost. It's so thick and creamy and pure and perfect. just perfect. We ended up in the French Cafe for 2 hours (being served by the most gorgeous man ever. Like a cross between Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp...to.die.for) sharing our life stories with each other. It was amazing. We were all brutally open with each other and it was a great little circle of trust going on. Everything was accepted, nothing was judged.

We all walked out of there feeling bonded and pulling out our diaries to coordinate when we'd next be doing this.

I personally, cannot wait.

It's Tuesday?

2009-12-15T13:44:00.002Z

Did anyone else realize that I thought it was Tuesday yesterday?

It wasn't. Just in case you were confused as well. Today is Tuesday which means my Random Tuesday Thoughts was posted a day early. Which is a little bit funny considering this is something Vicki over at Frugal Mom Knows Best did. Great minds think alike right? Least I'd like to compare myself some how equal to the brilliance that is Vicki ;). The only difference being she was aware she was doing it and I was delusionally wishing the week away.

ANYWAY. So, it's Tuesday now. I'm all kinds of messed up on my days because I changed my working days this week to Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday. All kinds of confused going on.

So I'm not known for being the most sympathetic person in the world. Maybe because I know what it's like to have a hard childhood and still came out of it a relatively "normal" person (of course, this depends on who you ask... but generally normal...Stop looking at me like that). Either way I'm very much a "Pull yourself together" kind of girl. Now, I get that sometimes it's clinical. Bipolar, Clinically depressed people I understand that it isn't' as simple as getting over it. I understand. But dammit... Can't everyone afford to be polite? Especially when I'm trying to help you. I know you're crazy because you wouldn't be at my office if you weren't but still, you're here because you know we help so omg LET ME.

I feel better now I got that off my chest.

So I've been holding off on saying this because I know there are a few frazzled mum's out there who don't want to hear it but I'm pretty much done with Christmas prep now. And when I say pretty much I mean totally. All cards and sent, all decorations are up, all presents are bought, all plans are made. I do still have to wrap the presents but I've been saving this job for when my Brother gets here to give us something Christmas to do together.

It feels good, let me tell you.

You know how I said I love presents well I got into a bit of a state last night while pulling out all the presents I bought for Husband. There were loads and as I was being reminded of all the things I got him I just started squealing because GOD am I good! Everything I bought is so spot on he's gonna be bowled over and I can't wait to give him them all. My Son as well... I spoil both my boys when it's a gift giving occasion and it makes me giddy just thinking about it!

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2009-12-14T19:55:00.005Z

2nd time taking part! If you don't know ALL about Random Tuesday Thoughts then head on over to The Un Mom cause she's got it dooooooown.

How about a little bit of my crazy today?

Firstly, I'd like to say something to the people that ride the bus with me. I can understand teens and pre-teens getting on with their cell phones and it's horrible sound quality blaring the latest bollywood music because kids will be kids. I remember doing it when I was a teen except it wasn't through my cell phone it was through my car speakers (yeah, because at 16 I had a car and you know why? Because I was cooler than you once). But I cannot understand when people over the age of 20 do it. I really cannot. Don't get me wrong it's freakin' annoying when the kids do it, but when you? in the business suit? Yeah. What the hell? Not only are you annoying but you're also a loser because kids.don't.know.better. But you? Well I would have thought you would have reached that age by now when you realize that you don't have the best taste in music in the whole world worthy of showing off because anyone who hears whats coming out of your speakers is going to gain respect for you. Only teens are allowed to think that. You taste in music is pretty much nothing to the guy sat next to you. Also, you don't have the excuse that you can't afford headphones. Buy some. Asswipe.

Crazy old lady? yes, on this same bus. You REALLY don't have to climb over me to get on the bus. Really. I'll let you on. In fact... seems to me like the bus is pretty much empty anyways so it's not like I was going to take up ALL the seats. I mean I get my butt got a bit wider over the last 4 weeks, but come on!

When you're stood in my way ignoring me and I have tried to say 'Excuse me, may I get by please' 4 time. COUNT THEM. 1.2.3.4 TIMES. And I then squeeze by your fat hips but accidentally give your elbow a nudge don't then mutter under your breath "Could at least say excuse me, bitch". Because you know what? I'm coming right back too you and explaining what just happened and then suggesting that maybe you and your friend take your conversation somewhere OTHER than the middle of the side walk. Bet cha' didn't expect that.

You know how I like dancing badly? Well, I like it so much that I find it difficult not to dance when a good song comes on my playlist (I'm wearing headphones by the way) so I dance with my eyes. I'm sure if anyone looked at my eyes while I am doing this they would instantly assume I've escaped from the nut house. My eye's bounce to the beat baby. And if I'm listening to rock then I blink instead of head banging. No, I don't have anything in my eye thanks.

Does anyone else constantly rearrange their Christmas tree? Husband and I like the whole busy tree look but I am also a bit anal and so like it to a least look a little organized. Shifting a ball here, a candy cane there... it will go on until new years I promise you.

Speaking of Christmas I have an obsession with wrapping paper. I get loads of rolls of the stuff. All colors and patterns. Every present has to look a little different even if it's just an added bow or ribbon.

I don't think I've ever mentioned this either but I love presents. SO much. Like stupid amounts. I am also the worlds best gift giver. Ask anyone it's a truth. I put a lot of thought into every present I buy and everyone gets 2-3 big/expensive presents and 5-8 tree presents. And I can guarantee you'll like every one of them. I also love receiving presents. It's a real shame my Husband is rubbish at giving them but I'm got my fingers crossed this year, he's given me hints that he's finally got it. And just to drive the point home: I LOVE PRESENTS.

More on this later.

Random it up everyone!

Tis the season

2009-12-14T13:05:00.002Z

Ah, sweet blog. How I love thee. My own little world dedicated to me and my followers. That sounds very cultish, but you know what I mean.

Have I mentioned that my Kid brother is coming to visit? Well he is. He (with the rest of my family) lives in California and it's been 18 months since I last saw him. Kid brother and I are super close. Tight as can be. I was like second mum/boss to him growing up and I pretty much took him everywhere with me (much to his dismay sometimes). He's 7 years younger than me and turning 18 on Sunday. 18. I know it's young but when you still think of someone as a kid, it's old.

He's arriving on Thursday at painful o'clock in the morning (7am... I know 7am isn't that early, but you might be forgetting we have to be at the airport by 7am... so we'll be getting up at 5am) and leaving on the 30th. Christmas with my brother! I'm stoked, truly. I hold a lot of guilt regarding my brother you see. As I mentioned I was like a mum too him and we were inseparable and he's a shy kid (even now, he's a young 18) and it was only ever me that he would ever really be himself around. Even now at nearly 18 he tells me everything (girls he likes, stuff that worries him and most recently that he tried weed! That was a hard one for me) which I think says a lot of our bond because I've not known many teenage guys to open up to their siblings, particuallarly their sisters. When he was 11 (6 years ago) I left America for England to never return and I remember crying on the plane only because I was leaving him. I felt immensely guilty that I wouldn't be there to watch him and guide him through teen-hood. So I suppose in a way I've been constantly trying to make up for it and in a backwards way I owe my brother a lot, I think my experience with him when he was a baby/toddler/child really helped make me the mother I am today.

I'll be taking lots of pictures over the next few weeks (which I'm sure means nothing to any of you since you all know what a rubbish photographer I am) and I'm sure there will be many a hilarity's to share (my brother and I when together are like Laural and Hardy. Unstoppable).

As he'll be here for two weeks I would like to ask you my dear bloggy friends to please forgive me for the possible absence from blog world until the new year. I might manage to post a few times between Thursday and January but don't count on it because I'm planning on making the most of my brothers visit, because who knows when I'll see him next.

1 hour for me? please?!

2009-12-10T11:27:00.004Z

I do love my Theta Mom Thursdays, despite it being a few weeks since I took part and despite Theta Mom taking a sabbatical (totally understandably) until the New Year. But I'm going to do my Theta Mom Post anyways, maybe a sort of tribute to Theta Mom while she is busy. Just to show I haven't forgotten this time! I'd like to say the neglect of joining in on Theta Mom Thursday over the past two weeks was because I was oober busy spending that hour of "me time" but it of course, was the opposite.

Now before I indulge you all in my awesomely depressing Theta Mom Hour I'd like to share something heartbreaking with you.

You know it's time to lay of the chocolates and cake when it takes you 10 minutes to wiggle your way into your black skinny jeans and you have to use a coat hanger to zip them up.

Yes, of course we are talking about me. But I was determined to wear them non the less. I paired them with a mid-thigh length jumper (to hide the muffin top of course) and lasted a whole of 30 minutes at work before I had to (and I mean HAD to) unbutton them. It's cool, the jumper covers the fact that I can't do my jeans up, but a little bit of me died inside.

Right. So, more positively my 1 Hour of me time! The plan was that Tuesday night after work Wife and I were going to meet in Covent Garden for pizza and wine. I couldn't wait. Pizza - yum. Wine - More please. Wife - Girly Talk! Perfect, right?

Well, Can't recall if I mentioned this before but Wife is absolutely the most unreliable person I have ever known. Ever. She's also lazy when it comes to making effort with friends. It can sometimes take months to get her to meet you somewhere, and for her to come to my house (which is 45 minutes from hers... Not long in the great scheme of things) is a yearly occurrence. It annoys me to no end. Maybe because being from America I'm use to having to travel to get places and growing up a large chunk of my friends lived 30-60 minutes away. It was the norm. Here, in England, if it takes you more than 15 minutes to get anywhere people bring an overnight bag. Least all my friends do.

You've probably guessed by now that an hour before I was suppose to go meet wife for dinner she texted me to cancel. Her excuse this time? She wanted to sleep... This is at 5pm. She's in her 20's people.

So there I was at work asking everyone and anyone if they wanted to go for a drink, It was a Tuesday, no one was interested. So how did I spend my 1 hour of me time in the end?

Sat at my desk in an empty office finishing some work and reading all your blogs.

Wasn't quite Wine and Girl time, but it'll have to do for this week.

Random Tuesday Thoughts

2009-12-08T16:43:00.002Z

This is my first official time on Random Tuesday Thoughts although I've been mentally preparing to participate for what seems like all.my.life. Except it's not just Tuesdays it's Wednesdays and Thursdays and Fridays and Everyday but a Sunday. I like to go slightly comatose on a Sunday.

So lets get Random people! You can thank The UnMom for this later. And you should because I do love her blog.

Firstly, I recently entered Kevin's Pay it Forward Foodie competition. Well, kind of competition. Scheme maybe? ANYWAY, check it out cause I won. I'm so psyched I can't tell you. Although I'm sure 90% of you know Kevin if you don't you must check out his blog Closet Cooking. Some of my favourite recipes are his and particularly his deserts! I'll be holding my Pay it Forward event some time in the new year. Once we get Christmas out the way etc.

You know my friend who's having the hard time? We'll call her Crazy from here on in (it's cool, she knows). Well she's still pretty much at my house 5 out of 7 nights a week which is a big part of why I haven't been able to focus on my wee little blog here. Sometimes I think she is getting better and other times I am convinced she needs some sort of medication. I have a feeling she is bipolar. I've seen it before (within my family and at work) and I'm pretty sure that's what it is. We're having fun though when she's distracted but I find myself sometimes... horribly. Wishing she wasn't my friend. Not that I would really want that, because I do love her so much. But emotionally I don't know if I can handle a friendship that could always been this difficult. Go on, go on, call be a bad person.

Related to this subject, I'm pretty sure I attract the crazies. looking back over many of my friendships I realized that out of all my friends (those that are close to me and those that aren't) I think I only have 2 "normal" friends. And when I say normal I mean that they are not constantly in a spiral of drama or frustration with their rubbish lives. Those are their words, not mine. Mother said maybe it is because I am more patient and sympathetic than others, this is not the case... BUT I am very good at pretending I am. Why don't I seem to know any happy people?! Now don't get me wrong here, I don't mind supporting friends through hard times and I know people aren't happy all the time etc. etc. BUT shoot.... It's so frustrating dealing with people who are their own worse enemies. I'm a positive, shrug it off kinda gal and I'm certain it's the way to be.

Does anyone know how they get the contraceptive implant out? I am worried digging around with tweezers is involved. Apparently though it's a "minor operation" in which they use local anesthetic and then slice you open (the Dr. didn't say slice.) I'm looking forward to it. notreally.

What would you buy your 18 year old brother? Seriously. I can't think of anything. NOTHING. And I swear to god if anyone says a watch I'll thump you one.

My laziness sometimes gets out of hand. Like right now for example, I really need to pee. I've needed to pee for 2 hours but I've held it in because I'm too lazy. It's not so much the walking to the bathroom that bothers me it's the whole having to un-dress, dress, wipe, wash hands etc. boring.

If I don't get a new blog layout soon I will thump someone. Namely my brother. Who, get this, designs websites! I knooooooow! I asked him a year ago to design my blog, he never got around to it, finally I paid him (MY OWN BROTHER PEOPLE!) because I figured then he would have to do it.... 6 months later. Nada. Hasn't even started the bastard thing.

I don't smoke weed FYI but while googling for a place to buy a Big MF Blue Cheese I came across a site with information about Blue Cheese Marijuana. It all seems very complicated and...inviting. I didn't know you could get flavours.

I'm gonna end my random here... Funnily I don't seem to have much random today. Might be because I'm looking forward to getting on with reading my blog roll. See you in the comments!

I was so born to be rich

2009-12-06T18:32:00.008Z

It's probably not widely known, but I hate wedding ceremonies. I know lots of people do and I don't knock you for that, but seriously, those hour and 45 minute ceremonies when everyone and their dog reads a soppy poem or a verse from the bible and I just... I have to fight with myself not to scoff, or roll my eyes, or throw something. I think it's even worse when you know that the couple have already done half the things they promise not to do to each other. Oh, and then they make everyone stand up and sing religious songs that 50% of the guest don't believe in. Seriously, only at a wedding could you get a huge group of people that don't necessarily know each other to sing out loud. Other people proclaiming their love in front of the world makes me gag. I don't know why because if I saw a couple getting it on in the park (and I have) I'd probably root them on. But gooey soppy 'omglikeiloveyousomuch' love. Ceremony love? BLAGH.

I know it seems bitter but it's just how I'm wired. Do you watch the TV show Scrubs? You know Jordan? Dr. Cox's ex-wife/wife? That's pretty much me in a nut shell except minus the great tits.

The point of this was that yesterday Husband and I attended a wedding. A very lavish wedding. Mummy and Daddy are rich so no expense was spared. I dug my nails into Husband's leg through out the ceremony to stop myself from making comments about what everyone was wearing and laughing when they vowed to obey. I'm proud to say I made it through and off we all headed to the Reception. It was a all day wedding. 12pm-12am and they had quite impressively booked out the whole hotel. And what a hotel it was. Talk about luxury. This is coming from a woman who's Husband is in the luxury hotel business... But this hotel, was a whole new level.

The Washbourne Court Hotel (a part of the Von Essen Hotel chain) is a 17th Century old boys cramming school along side the river eye in Lower Slaughter (regarded as the most beautiful village in England) The hotel has traditional beamed ceilings, stone mullioned windows and the most magnificent fireplace in the bar.

The ceilings were only about two inches from my head and there was a lot of hunching going on (and then after the cocktail a lot of head knocking). It is the quint essential historic English farm house, stunning and beautiful and cosy but refurbished in such away that it is swanky and modern. Keeping all the 17th century features and accessorising with funky colours. It was simply fab.

The wedding we were attending was the marriage of Husband's number 2 at work so of course in an attempt to impress the boss booked us into a very plush room. All black velvet with purple and pink accessories, emperor size bed and a roll top bath. I love a roll top bath. Love 'em. And since the beginning of time I have been wanting to have a romantic bath with Husband but in our normal common size bath it wasn't possible. We took full advantage of that roll top. Oh yes.

The meal was simply perfect. I couldn't have chosen a better menu. We began with a little tipple of Cream of Parsnip soup which I have promised Husband I will recreate in the kitchen (it was like silk going down), and the rest of the menu consisted of Goats cheese and caramelized onion tart (ya'll know I love that), Lamb shank with Dauphinoise Potatoes and roast veg and the most amazing lemon tart with lime sorbet I have ever had.

Did I also mention we had canapes of poached quail egg with pesto on toast and free champagne?

I ate it all. In fact I ate so much after dinner I threw up a little bit and had to lie down for an hour. It was worth it because after an hours break in our rooms all the guests came back down for the disco and the buffet... Yes, more food. I don't know how it rolls in America but this is the tradition in England (If you're loaded). The buffet consisted of a whole hog roast, french fries, wedding cake and a cheese board which Husband and I attacked with vengeance. We ate so much blue cheese we both considered making our selves sick so we could eat even more. And then of course we hit the dance floor and you all know how I love to dance white girl style. I tore it up.

All in all, best wedding I've been too. And luckily this time I got through the whole wedding without flashing my bum. Oh snap.

things I do that make my husband roll his eyes...and will probably make you think I'm crazy.

2009-12-03T13:48:00.004Z

I love to make my husband say lovely things about me and then throw it back in his face. Sound cruel but it's how we roll. Neither of us are practically romantic and we can turn each other on much quicker with a dirty joke and a cackling laugh. I like to break down my husband's walls, get him to confess to his undying love for me and then throw back a quick 'Sucker!' or 'Wow, you love me waaaay more than I love you'. He then rolls his eyes makes an equally snarky remark and we proceed to make out. Like i said, It's how we roll.

I spell words out loud if I think they sound funny. Actually even when they don't sound funny. For example, last night I was in mid conversation with Husband and I was saying 'It's just a constant thi-' ... I cut myself off and looked to the left. Husband rolled his eyes and then waited while I spelled out constant 4 times. each time saying it differently. I like how words feel on my tongue.

I call "Not it!" faster than my husband can. The dishes need washing; "Not it!" The toilet is clogged; "Not it!" A nappy needs changing "SO Not it!". My Husband never wins this game. Although he refuses to play, for me, these are the rules. I called it first so you get stuck with the dirty work.

As previously mentioned I love words. There are quite a few words/phrases and sentences that for the last year I have been trying to work into my vocabulary so they sound natural. It never works and most of the time I use the words in the wrong context. This doesn't matter to me, because I still think I sound cool. Husband is also a word/grammar freak and I can tell it makes him go a little more crazy each time I use a word wrong. This of course, makes it even more fun. My favourite "RECON!"... This really drives him nuts.

I am...uncoordinated. I am known to walk into walls, fall up stairs, trip over my own two feet, drop everything, smash things just by looking at them and repeatedly stand on my husbands feet. When we first met, I think he thought this 'quality' was cute. Not so much anymore.

Since Husband and I first got together I have always, always done the run and jump into his arms thing. You know, from the movies? Slow motion, music playing... yeah. Except, if you see above, I'm not coordinated. So it usually starts with me spotting husband across the room/street/building whatever then running/tripping/galloping/stomping towards him until I ungracefully leap and slam my body into his chest. He always catches me though I've noticed since I lost all the weight he doesn't sound like I've knocked the wind out of him anymore.

My Husband is very good at making up different lyrics when singing along to a song, the lyrics work perfectly and are usually 10 times dirtier. I am NOT good at this, So I do it all the more. Which makes him... yup, you guessed it. Roll his eyes.

I'm digging the randoms right now

2009-12-03T09:27:00.002Z

The worse thing in the world has got to be when you're at work and you're mobile phone rings and on the caller ID it says "Nursery". Talk about instant panic attack.

Anyways, Son has some wicked diarrhea going on. He's playing/eating and seems happy enough but they won't take him while he's exploding like he is. Teething maybe? Either way my gag reflex has been working over time.

So I'm off from work today having lots of cuddles on the couch with Son and spagging out in our pajamas. I've considered doing some house work now he's down for his nap but that would be way to productive of me and so I'll probably join him for a little kip instead.

I have therapy tonight though and depending on what time Husband gets home I'm still planning on going.

Fingers crossed?

Theta Mom Thursday post coming soon!

Self portrait

2009-12-01T09:48:00.002Z

Ah well, here I am again. How's everyone? I have been thinking of you all and yearning to be wrapped in the warm arms my blog provides me.

Everything is good. I'm good at least. My friend in crisis is still technically in crisis. She has good days and bad days. The weekend was not good as she officially moved out of her ex's place and I was "on call" again, Yesterday though was a good day and we laughed a lot and spoke sensibly. Today she is checking in to the suicide refuge I mentioned before. I have faith in her and I'm proud of how far she's come already.

And that's all I'm going to say about that. And you know why? Because for the last two weeks all I have talked about or though about was her and quite simply, I'm sick of it. I love her, of course, but this blog is my blog and I won't let it take this over as well.

MY life has been fab. Husband is shockingly....amazing. It's like he's finally taking things seriously in regards to a few kinks i think we need to work out in our relationship. He's...GASP, changing. trying. I of course, don't want him to change who he is blahblah you know the story. But there have been things over the last year that I know need fixing, because they are tolerable now but I know they are not something I will tolerate for a life time.

So yes. He's trying. good times.

Son is getting his portrait taken today at Nursery I sent him looking so super cute that the staff gave a little squeal when he walked in. I attempted to gel his fly away hair to no avail but it's cool, he totally rocks the beach bum look. Just like Mummy.

My youngest brother is coming to visit in 3 weeks for his 18th birthday and Christmas. I am so psyched I can't even tell you. Kid brother and I are like sausage and mash, fish and chips, vodka and coke.... Close. I was like his second mum growing up and took him everywhere with me... And now for the first time ever we will be joining forces as adults! Adults... He'll be legal...drinking and all (in the UK at least...hence why he's spending his 18th here). Frozen Margaritas? I think so.

Time to tackle my blog roll! I'll close my totally random and endless update of the going on's in my life here... I should really take part in Tuesday Random Thoughts... I'd rock that so hard.

crisis

2009-11-23T09:31:00.002Z

You may be wondering where I have been. Lack of posts, lack of commenting... Well for one this weekend has been filled with plans that were made months ago, but mostly and unfortunately I have a friend in crisis. BFF in fact.

On Wednesday she was dumped. Being dumped sucks, I'm told. But BFF is prone to depression and has a history of self harm. So since Wednesday I have been on suicide watch. And when she is not with me I have been on the phone talking her out of it. Emotionally I am drained and I think the only reason I managed to stay strong for her is because Husband has been supporting me supporting her. It's been a really long and scary few days.

The good news is that I can already hear in some of the things she says that she wants help and knows it can get better. She has booked herself in to a Suicide Refuge and is finally able to be distracted long enough to laugh. She still sinks into depression, and her most vulnerable times are in the morning and at night. But I have faith, and I know if we can get her through this first two weeks post-breakup she will get through this.

I'm happy to be there for her and do what I have to to help her through this crisis. But this weekend I was glad I had pre-made plans I couldn't cancel because I felt like I needed that break from her so that I could again build up my strength and positiveness to get through the next week with her.

Anyways, apologies for not being around although I am sure you can all understand. I'll do some serious catching up on my blog-roll as soon as I have the time to focus.

Thank you for sticking by me until then.

What to expect when you are expecting.... The things they don't tell you.

2009-11-19T08:38:00.005Z

Warning: Some of these can be quite... grotesque, shall we say?

1) During pregnancy you gain a full head of lush hair and loose the need to shave regularly. It's bliss.

2) Once you've popped the little rug rat out, your hair reverses it self. Your hair thins out on top to the point where you wonder if you will be bald this time next year and your body hair becomes so thick you start to resemble your great great ancestors...the apes.

3) Your stretch marks fade. The shadows under your eyes don't.

4) Your breast along with your nipples and areola double in size.

5) As soon as you stop breastfeeding your breasts disappear... BUT your nipples stay the same. Leaving you with breasts that look more like fried eggs...sunny side up.

6) Suddenly you can insert a tampon standing up, legs crossed, while clenching.

7) While pregnant you have the pregnancy glow; clear skin. As soon as your baby is out though prepare for puberty to hit your face all.over.again.

8) If you pull the loose skin on your stomach as far as you can you could set a boat to sail.

9) After using the toilet, while wiping if you're not careful you might accidentally "slip in"

10) Even if you loose all the baby weight and tone up there is something about your body that every time you look at it scream "You're a mummy now!"

11) You begin to compare things. For example, if you are in great pain you remind yourself that this wasn't as bad as labor. If you have to carry something heavy you compare it too the current weight of your toddler.

And finally, while brainstorming for this post I asked my BFF for help in the form of "What do I complain to you about?" and she replied with the following.

12) Your baby is attached to you in your womb then he is constantly attached to your breast, then your hip, then your legs and finally to your wallet, for the rest.of.your.life.

Have I really said that?.... Not totally surprising.

Awards, Vampires and Ovulating... really.

2009-11-17T11:18:00.007Z

Last night I worked the Walpole Awards of Excellence which my cousin was organizing. It was a long 14 hour shift, non-stop on our feet workworkwork, smilesmilesmile. It was great fun but my body is paying for it now. Everything aches, but we had great fun. My Cousin's daughter (who I will refer to as Cuz, from now on, because that's what we call each other) and her platonic life partner (her best friend is a fella and she's pretty much a gay as they come) who are both my age, were there as well and we always have lots of fun. Made a bit of extra cash for Christmas (which is always needed) and also got an awesome goodie bag... most of the day was spent stuffing goodie bags for all these "exclusive" people... Goodies bag worth a good £100. The luxury items we were stuffing in those things! It's so odd to think that all those people with all that money get more free shit than I will ever get in my lifetime... No wonder they've got money, they don't need to spend it!

Ahem, anyways. Yes, I've been very busy this weekend turning into a teenage.

How?

One word.

Twilight.

I've neglected reading the books or seeing the movie for a long time. Refusing to be a part of the Twilight craze and become "one of them". Mostly this is because I had a friend tell me the books were painful to read and made me promise not to waste my time on them. So I easily agreed, avoiding yet another fandom.

And then, Sunday, my work colleague some how convinced me to let her come over to my house and we'd watch the movie. I bitched and moaned through most of the beginning scenes, complaining about teen movies and fanatics... And then suddenly, just like that, my throat closed and my mouth went dry.

Enter Edward Cullen.

Now. Generally, I am hard to swoon. I can definitely appreciate a good looking fellow, but I'm hard to flap. And I definitely do NOT squee anymore. SURE I had my fandoms and celebrity crushes (obsessions) and my posters on the wall, but you know, I grew out of that, somewhere around the time I started menstruating. So when Edward Cullen walked into the school cafeteria in that first scene and he looks broody and suicidal and murderous and sickly pale and has creepy red lips and I instantaneously started ovulating and getting hot flashes... Well. I was just as shocked as my husband was when I let out a breathy "Wow".

Now, I must insist this is so unlike me. Firstly, I like older men (obviously). Secondly, I really can't stress this enough. I do.not.fangirl. The other thing is... like looking at that picture of him now. He's not drop dead gorgeous, he wouldn't stop me in my tracks if we passed in the street... But Edward Cullen is a Vampire and I would be quite happy to let him feed off me.

The whole movie just oozed this broody, aggressive, blood thirsty, protective, I-might-kill-you-at-any-moment atmosphere. His eyes....I take my hat off to Robert Pattinson (who I keep calling James, but does it really matter because it's not him I want) for making me twitch in my seat and cross and un-cross my legs a dozen times, and continuously clear my throat and have my hand subconsciously stroking my neck. It's been a long while since I've felt that first excitement and it was very much enjoyed. And although, yes, I'm slightly embarrassed by my new found obsession and become one of many, I'm also quite excited about enjoying this.

I now am going to have to read the book, though I am still nervous too as I'm quite the critic and I don't know if i'll be able to stomach the teenbop writing style I have been warned off. I'll let you know how my journey with Edward Cullen goes once reading.

Ah, also of course once again I always seem to know someone that knows someone. While embarking on shamefully telling my Cuz about my new found obsession with the broody vampire (which I got a lot of stick for) Cuz tells me her BFF is old school friends with James (Robert Pattinson...Who apparently despises being famous) and then offered an invite to the next get together to which I politely refused because I'd rather he not ruin my perfectly dark and seedy fantasy with one Edward Cullen. And of course not sure how Husband would feel about me going to hang out with the man that made me whimper on Sunday night.

There is nothing hotter than a broody, dangerous man to bring out my dark side and relish in it with me.

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall.

2009-11-12T14:36:00.002Z

The first says, "Hello."The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that."

Here's a little something I've learned while working with therapists: Therapist don't understand the meaning of a rhetorical question.

If you ask a therapist "How are you?", They'll tell you.

And by making this mistake I have also discovered the cliche of "Every therapist needs and therapist" is true.

At work a quick "Good morning! How ya doin'?" Can turn into a 30 minute conversation about how they are feeling light headed today because their period is particularly heavy and seemed to be quite "thick" too and they are worried they might be loosing too much blood (True account here people).

Also it seems there are different types of therapists. The Clinical/Counselling Psychologist tend to be pretty normal people, or at least interact normally. Psychiatrists tend to be above it all and so far are the only therapists that insist on being addressed as Doctor... At.all.times. And Psychologists? Let's just say be careful of what you say around them. I once had one of the Psychologists at work dissect why I wanted a cup of tea and what an interesting dynamic I had set by stating it aloud. Actually, I'm often setting interesting dynamics even when I have done nothing... EVERYTHING in the whole WIDE WORLD is an interesting dynamic to these people. And EVERYTHING can be read into. It can be quite fun actually, if you enjoy messing with people a bit. I am often dropping out of place words/sayings into conversation just so they can enjoy pondering on that shit for a good 20 minutes.

I have to close here with that I absolutely love all the people I work with. They are wonderful, funny, smart, fun people. They are also quite easy to take the piss out off. And don't worry, I do it too their face as well.

The Difference between you and me? I make this look good.

2009-11-11T10:22:00.007Z

I have one of those rare talents, that you either have or you don't have. There is no in between or "maybe"'s with this. You've got it or you don't. I've got it. I can wear hats.

I love hats in fact. In my teens I had more hats than I had shoes. And I had every kind of hat and style there was. And I pulled them off, teaming them with the appropriate outfit and walk. I also have a gift for not getting serious hat hair. Not sure how this happened but it did and I took advantage of it.

I hope you don't mind while I share with you some of my favourite styles of hats.

One of my beach favourites. The floppy. I love love this hat because it is so chic, so fashionable and utterly casual. Teamed with a colourful bikini and a flowing sarong and you are good.to.go.

(Editors note: I am SO past the bikini stage. Gigantic pregnancy and 50lb in weight? Goodbye flat stomach and hello wobbly bits that strangely resemble my grandmothers double chin)

One of my old favourite trusty hats, was this one. This is such a pimping hat (can I get away with saying pimping? I'm very white...) and to me oozes sex and cool. This is something I still wear regularly. Always have sweeping bangs when wearing! Trust me.
How can you not love this hat? The good old "Alright Governor!". It's cheeky, and it works well in crazy patterns (as above) or classic tweed. So much fun and I think generally cute. Works extra well if you've got high cheek bones, though if you don't this shouldn't stop you.

I wonder now how many of you cringed when you saw my next choice of favourite hat, but I tell you something. It's not ghetto as you may think. AND you may be wondering how I the lilly white girl could get away with such a hat. Like I said, if you can wear hats you can wear them all. This hat served me well when I was dragged to the clubs with my much cooler counterparts. I looked like I actually fit in! Imagine if you will the Charlies Angels scene when Cameron Diaz is dancing in the club. That was/is me. But with this hat... A whole new world opens up. Anyways, these hats can be fun! With a pair of boyfriend jeans and a emblem t-shirt and there you have it; cool and casual. Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are perfect examples of women that can pull off this hat.

YeeeeHAW! Everyone loves a cow girl! Here's a little fact about yours truly, I want to be a cowgirl when I grow up. since I was very little that's all I wanted to do. And still do. Totally serious. I envy Pioneer Woman because she is living my dream. Anyways, to the point. My main pair of footwear are cowgirl boots. Always have a pair, and of course, you need the hat to go with them. Most men I know have often said one of their favourite looks on a woman is the cut-off jean shorts, tight white t-shirt (sleeves rolled up!), cowgirl boots and that cocky hat. One of my favourite looks too. I haven't been able to get away with this since moving to England for fear of being heckled... but know girls, In my heart, this is all I wear.

Now now Ladies, don't laugh. The top hat isn't only for men. And I'm not talking about those itsy bitsy top hats. We can pull it off too! It looks funky but you've got to be brave and extremely graceful (long gown, sparkling heels) or you'll end up looking a bit...eh... Butch. This is of course to be worn as an entrance piece really... I wouldn't keep it on through out the event but it's a good way to get noticed on arrival!

And finally the posh hat. The flouncy "I'm going to the horses" hat. And not the Horses USA style, The Horses British style. Where everyone is glamed up sipping pimms and lemonade and holding their wee binoculars. Now, as you know re: my recent post. I love a little bit of fakein' it. I'm NOT generally glamorous (only women with nanny's can afford to be glamours...oh I envy you) and I'm as I previously mentioned...a bit crass. But hey, I'm excellent at pretending. And you throw a cocktail dress and a big feck of hat my way, I'll play the part quite happily! And yes, I'm totally going to Royal Ascot 2010.

Royal Ascot is famous for their hats. People go just to wear big, could-set-a-boat-to-sail hats. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The dress code is tight, and if you get entrance to the royal enclosure (which unless you're bonking one of the princes, you won't) you have to dress very... appropriate, shall we say? No spaghetti straps or sleeveless dresses and all skirts must fall below the knee...BORING. Right? So, I'll stick to the Grandstand admission and maybe follow in my girl here's footsteps:

Now, tell me.... Is that not the most beautiful cheese hat you have ever seen?

Demise of the Super Mum - Partie deux

2009-11-10T21:02:00.004Z

- Yesterday I let my Son wear his Pajamas all day

- Yesterday we did not eat any vegetables

- I let him eat his dinner in front of the telly so I could finish baking cookies...for myself.

- He was running around naked and yelling "Sexy body" and instead of trying to deter him from saying such inappropriate things I burst out laughing...which of course, egged him on.

- I made him walk the whole way to Nursery (2 blocks...not far) because I had to carry loads of bags.

- When I found him smearing his big green boogies inside his Daddy's shoes I didn't try and stop him... Just snickered quietly to myself.

- I convinced him it would be a great idea to play in his crib and constructed him a (thebestever) fortress so that he would be distracted long enough for me to (shock HORROR) have a quick smoke... It was a long day.

P.S. I don't know who drew that picture but is it NOT the best depiction of a mother, EVER. ;)

I'm getting fat.

2009-11-09T21:08:00.003Z

If I ever say to someone "I'm putting on weight" they roll their eyes. I usually say this in context with something like "This is my third cookie" or "I've been eating so much lately". I get the eye roll because I'm not fat. I'm a size 10/8 (USA 8/6), and I never have carried weight on my face or legs. It's all in the middle, which, when wearing clever clothing, is not noticeable. And I get it, I'm not fat right now! But, you don't understand... I have been fat. I spent most my teens struggling with my weight and then when I was pregnant became properly fat. My Husband nick named me Fatty (I know, I know, you wish he was yours).

So when I start to see a few pounds start coming on I feel huuuge because I know where it leads, I've been there. I've started small forest fires with the friction between my thighs. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO WALK WITHOUT YOUR THIGHS CHAFFING?!?! It's amazing! I wish I'd known this sweet pleasure before. It's almost like my vagina can finally breath.

So here I am again, scoffing cookies and larger than necessary portions of breakfast, lunch and dinner. BLAST. I can feel that old friend called fat sneaking back up on me, and I'm scared.

What I need is exercise. But how, HOW am I suppose to find time to exercise? Really and truly. I'm not making excuses, people. I.Never.Stop.

I wake up, get showered and dressed and then Son wakes up. He consumes my attention and if he isn't consuming my attention I am in the kitchen cooking/baking or cleaning or doing the laundry or feeding the damn rabbit or rushing off to work and then rushing back from work (because there is no time between when I finish work and when I have to pick up Son) and then Son goes to sleep at 7.30 and I have to make dinner for husband and I and then it's 9pm and WHERE DID THE DAY GO?

I bet I could get in some exercise on Sunday, But three days a week?

Anyone? Suggestions? Offers to babysit? Or better yet, money for the new body minus the work?

Cheers.

P.S. Is this like my 2nd fat post in the past 7 days? I'm sorry. Broken record, much? But seriously, I'm looking for suggestions, people.

Ladette to Lady

2009-11-09T13:05:00.003Z

The holiday's are approaching and I'm starting to think about the up coming parties I will be attending on my Husband's arm.

This mean's frocks and gowns and heels and red lipstick (you know it) and chiffon's and plucking and all about general glamoring ones self up. Now, I'm all up for this, in fact I look forward to these 2 months out of 12 where I can actually pretend to be a lady. You see, I don't get many reasons to wear a glamorous frock and when I do get the chance I like to go all out with the image. Fool people into believing I'm actually a respectable lady who does yoga in her spare time (spare time?!) and would never dream of making cookies just so she could lick the spoon (today is my third day in a row!... I'm oddly proud of this).

But...Well, Nothing speaks louder volumes than a chick wearing a ball gown and chugging down a pint of larger, right?

The thing is, I'm not into wine. I'm actually (and this may surprise you) not a big fan of alcohol. I like a beer, and I like (LOVE. WOULD MARRY) a frozen margarita. But I don't like to actually taste the alcohol. So I've never been a fan of wine and never drink it. It's only in recent weeks that I've decided to bare through it and drink the stuff until I learn to like it.

I've always wanted to be one of those women who can recommend a good bottle of wine and can match wine to food. I need to learn how to appreciate wine and enjoy it.

So I've decided I will buy one bottle of plonk a week, probably chosen from one of Pam's reviews over at Sidewalk shoes. I trust Pam's taste and now technically it's in someone else's court if I don't like the stuff. Sorry Pam ;)

I'll let you all know how it goes. :)

Excuse me while I be crude

2009-11-07T13:04:00.002Z

I'd like to tell you a story about how when my Husband came home last night he took one look at me and declared he had to have me now. I stunned, pursed my lips and flicked my long silky hair. Before I could even blink or undress My husband rubbed up against me in a fit of passion and it was over....

But now... after my last post I would suppose most of you wouldn't be inclined to believe such a thing could happen within my marriage. Least of all when I'm wearing jeans and a old turtle neck... Well, you'd be right. I did on the other hand amidst making lasagna manage to throw half the lot of cheese sauce into the air, at which point I thought I better catch it and it of course...ran through my fingers and landed down my front. So that when my husband did get home I had a decided stink of cheese about me and his lasagna dinner was a little dry.

So, I didn't get lucky last night.

A crying shame

2009-11-06T13:39:00.005Z

I think I'm a pretty attractive woman. It's interesting though how my appearance in my Husband's eyes has changed as our marriage has gone on. When I was in my pre-teens I was often liked to the young Christina Ricci. Although of course, minus the Adams family gear.

in my teens and early 20's I was often referred to as a classic beauty. Like the old Hollywood stars.

Husband's nick name for me from the very beginning of our relationship (And even before our relationship began actually) was Foxy. I was a sex kitten. Cheeky, naughty and sexy. I didn't dress particularly reveling (though I am a fan of the short skirt) and I was not promiscuous in any way. It was more my confidence and my attitude. When we married I became beautiful. After I had our son, I was pretty. Now? ... I asked Husband if he thought I could model (as a joke) and his reply was "well, maybe, you're interesting looking" ... to which I responded "not beautiful or pretty?" He smiled and said "no. You've got an interesting look about you". Now, is there any woman out there that REALLY wants her Husband to tell her she's interesting looking? I think I'd rather he had lied. Some how, I went from this:

To this:

In under 3 years.... I think it's impressive... and makes me wonder if I'll look like this: In 10 years.

Let's hope not.

I just can't understand it all though... Since whenever I look in the mirror I have only ever seen, this:

Theta Mom Thursday!

2009-11-05T08:47:00.009Z

It's my favourite time of week again! In which I recall the good ME times. If you're a Theta Mom be sure to click on the button above and join in with us selfless Mummy's trying to find one hour a week to spend time on ourselves. It's harder than you think... Trust me.

But once again I have succeed and with quite a flair (Two weeks in a row! Can I get a hell yeah!?)

I believe I've almost almost got the hang of this "me time" malarkey and it feels quite good. It also (as they all told me) is benefiting my marriage and the way I am with my son. Patient super mummy returns!! (though I did totally delay getting home last night until I knew Son would be asleep...shame on me!)

Right then moving on to how I completed my Theta Mom Thursday, as I am gracious enough not to leave you on the edge of your seats. Friday evening Husband was scheduled to be "out on the town" with his fellow Directors across London, so I grabbed this opportunity for a classic girls night in. I invited over my work colleague (we'll call her Curls. A close 2nd favourite to Ms Fave...Wot? Yes, I keep a tally!) for pizza delivery, old childhood movies and a good quality bottle of plonk.

Now, Curls and I really get along, we've had a few after work drinks in the past and I really enjoy her company, so I was really looking forward to her coming over and getting to meet Son and show him off a bit. Lucky for me my perfect little 20 month old was on his best show off behaviour. As she walked in the door at 7pm, Son was no where to been seen.

"He in bed?" asks Curls. I smile and simply say "Where HAS Son gone?!", right on cue and looking cute as hell in his insect pajamas and with his ginger hair standing on end, out from the broom closet jumps Son, hands up in claw position and growling like a monster. Peeerfect. And to top it of, as soon as he saw Curls he did his whole big eyed bashful thing, smiled and said "hello". ACK, even more perfect. Curls and Son fell in love and happily played while I ordered pizza and got Son's milk ready. Now... I may have mentioned before that whenever I plan a night in with no Husband, Son always chooses this time to be sick and/or difficult and he ends up staying up late and generally leaving me stressed and with no time to relax. Not this time! My perfect little boy went to sleep with no fuss and a perfect "nite nite mummy" at 7.30 on the dot, showing off what a good job at mummying I'd done! A little bit of me wanted to collapse against his bedroom door and weep with happiness.

But there was no time for that! Pizza was due and there was that beautiful bottle of red wine awaiting me.

As soon as we'd settled in front of the telly with our wine and pizza (yes, we both did totally manage to eat a whole pizza and a bowl of ice cream...EACH) we switched on our favourite childhood movie "Labyrinth".

Now, I hope that when I say "Labyrinth" most of you, if not all of you squeal and clap at the very mention of the movie. Because, hello! What could be a better combination than Muppet's, David Bowie with a mullet, wearing leggings, brandishing a riding crop (I do love a bit of kink!) and crazy lyrics about slapping babies and making them pee. The first half of the movie we both sat silent and glued to the screen and it wasn't until the ballroom scene when the silence was broken with an in depth discussion on David Bowie's bulge, (Please refer to the picture below.) and how both of us could never understand why Sarah turned down Jareth's offer to let him be her slave! ... I mean seriously. If The Goblin King and his cotton clad crotch asked me to fear him, love him and do as he told and in return he'd be MY slave for ever. I'd be hitting that so fast his mullet would be standing even more on end. Our conclusion was, Sarah = fool.

Once the silent was broken the girl talk didn't end. And we discussed everything from parenting and government to periods and pimples. It was refreshing. and so much fun that even when Husband called at 9pm and told me he wasn't "feeling it" and was planning on coming home I demanded he delay himself until at least 10.30pm. Which, as a good husband, he did (I think he went to his office and did some work... I know!).

Curls headed home shortly after Husband got home (who kindly drove her the 4 blocks home) with the promise that we'd do it again soon. And I do hope we do, because I think that was my best Theta Mom Moment to date.

How was your Theta Mom Thursday?

Bloggy Awards

2009-11-04T10:37:00.006Z

I have been flattered to no end by the wonderful Brittany at Mommy Words who has awarded little me with these two fabulous awards. This made me all giddy because I am well aware that I do not blog nearly enough and generally my post have no focus to them, and I keep promising topic blog posts and then when I turn this thing on I loose all train of though and my muse leaves me.

Also because I'm "newish" I'm still totally shocked that people read me let alone award me! So again, Thank you to Brittany. She is a brilliant DIY-Super mom and also just published a blog post on travelling with kids which I am EVER so grateful for.

The Best Blog Award Rules: In order to accept the award, please post it on your blog with the name of the person who gave awarded it, including the link to the blog. Pass the award onto 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered and think are great. Remember to contact the bloggers and let them know they have been chosen for this award.

The Lovely Blog Rules: To accept the award – post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered and remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Now, I'd like to if you don't mind, award 15 of you gorgeous ladies. ROLL CALL!

- Erin at Closing Time

- Michele at Finding Trinity

- Vicki at Frugal Mom Knows Best

- Helene at I'm living proof that god has a sense of humor

- Loukia at Loulou's Views

- Pink Haired Momma

- G-zell at Stay at Home Mom - Who Knew!

- Debbie at Suburb Sanity

- Sophia's Mom at The Whannabe Wahm

- Chelle at The Winey Mom

- Keely at The Un Mom

..... Ok so, I know it says 15 blogs I've newly discovered but because I've been so very out of the loop in the blogging world as of late I have only newly discovered 11 blogs... OBVIOUSLY I need to spend some time blog trolling. Obviously.

Anyways, every single one of these lovely ladies I have been so happy to find. I've really enjoyed reading each of their blogs and they all got me hooked from the word GO.

Again Thank you Brittany and I promise to live up to the awards! :)

The Demise of Super Mum

2009-11-04T09:43:00.002Z

Yesterday I didn't let Son lick the spoon when making cookies because I wanted too.

Yesterday I laughed when his nursery told me he had been rugby tackling the other children.

This morning Son awoke at 4.30am and I gave in and took him back to bed with me. This means, tonight I will suffer when he refuses to go to his own bed.

This morning I was rushing and did not brush my Son's teeth because we were running late and I didn't have the energy to try and get him to actually brush his teeth rather than playing with the water.

This morning upon leaving Son at nursery after the longest, loudest, whiniest morning ever I was relieved... because I think if I hadn't left him at nursery I would have been considering adoption.

Tonight Husband is picking Son up from Nursery and I am planning on getting "held up" until I know Son is in bed.

Right now I have never been so happy to be at work in my life.

A cry for help

2009-11-02T13:10:00.002Z

Ladies, you know how once you are on the ball it's easy to stay on it? You're fit, you're healthy and you are feeeeeeeeling good! And then one day, you feel a little lazy. Or maybe you are even sick? You decided not to go for your walk/jog/run and skip the gym/pilates/exercise DVD you usually enjoy doing. Now if you're being lazy, maybe it's because you're on holiday and because you're on holiday there are a lot of high calorie treats laying around... Or if you're sick, someone brings you treats!

Hard to resist.

So you start eating. And eating. And eating... And then you get better/not-so-lazy!! So you can get back on the ball! back into routine!

If only it was that easy.

I'm not a chocoholic, I don't particularly have a sweet tooth and I'm not a serious junkie or snacker. I definitely don't deny myself those things but generally I don't crave them. Until I start... While on holiday there were a lot of baked goods, expensive chocolates, decadent wines and rich foods. I ate them all. And I enjoyed every moment of it. Using the "I'm on holiday excuse" but now... Now I can't seem to stop. I've gained just under 6lb's in 4 weeks. I know it's not a LOT and I still seem to fit comfortably into all my clothes, but when I sit down I can see that spread in my thighs and when I look at my ass I can see how it's "filled out".

I feel a little stuck now and a little afraid. I've been fat (ohthankyou pregnancy) and I got my body back so when I put on weight I feel this drop in my chest of "is this it? is this when I'll loose control again?".

Must be better this month! Must!

I wish I had the time of day to go to the gym or some aerobic classes. I LOVE Aerobic classes. So much fun. But when am I suppose to make time to do that? If I'm not at work, I'm looking after son, and once Son goes to bed then I'm looking after husband by preparing dinner... You all know how it goes.

Chicken Tortilla Soup

2009-11-02T12:29:00.003Z

Husband made the obligatory English Sunday Roast last night. I don't do roasts. Not allowed in this household. Not because I can't do it, but Husband is very good indeed and making a roast, so why challenge him? I purposely bought a large Chicken though with thoughts of wonderful recipes to use up all the extra shredded chicken I'd have. Always good to have plans for left overs when you're on a budget.

It's widely known that generally for me the easier and cheaper the recipe the more likely I am to love it. Of course, it's still got to pack the punch, but with a strict food budget and and wonky dinner time (thanks to Son) my life is easier if my dinner is. This recipe is no exception. It's what I like to call the cheats way to good Mexican. Chicken Tortilla Soup is my most favourite soup and this one never lets me down. I've made it a few times when friends have come over and everyone always asks for the recipe. Also a perfect way to use up left overs!

Chicken Tortilla Soup
(we usually get 6 bowls of soup out of this recipe)

3-4 pints of water or chicken broth (I use water usually. Chicken broth just gives it more depth)
4 chicken bouillon cubes
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1 1/4 teaspoon cumin
1 (10oz) can tomato soup
1 (10oz) can diced tomatoes
1 onion, chopped
2 cups cooked shredded chicken.

Bottom and Toppers:
Jalapenos
Express Mexican Rice (I use Uncle Ben's)
Tortilla Chips, crushed
Sour Cream
Avocado
Grated cheese (I usually use Cheddar)
Coriander (Cilantro)

In a large stock pot add as much water or chicken broth for the quantity of soup you need.

Add bouillons, spices, soup and tomatoes (including liquid), onion and chicken.

Heat soup thorough and allow to simmer until ready to serve.

Crock pot: I like to do this in the crock pot, since it's such an easy soup to make (chop an onion, open cans etc. dump into pot, done) I usually put it on in the late morning and leave it until dinner time, that way the onions are softer (but still with a bite) and the chicken has soaked up some flavor.

To Serve:
Place desired amount of crushed tortilla chips, grated cheese and jalapenos in individual bowls, pour hot soup over and top with a spoon of Mexican rice, a dollop of sour cream, slices of fresh avocado and a sprinkle of coriander/cilantro.

Done!

Theta Mom Thursday

2009-10-29T14:39:00.004Z

Theta Mom Thursday everyone! This is my favourite time of blogger week. I really enjoy seeing what you other mumsies got up to and also occasionally stealing you ideas for my time outs! I do hope you don't mind.

Now again, I've said this a few times on Theta Mom Thursday; I find myself sitting here going over the past 7 days with a find tooth comb hoping to remember a moment when I spent 1 hour selfishly.

But not this week!

Last Friday there was a leaving dinner/drinks for someone I work with. At first I was reluctant to go because...Well sadly no other reason than I was quite fancying a night in. It was when I said this to myself aloud that I remembered that "A night in" was what I did pretty much every night. So I made myself go.

My Favourite work colleague (well call her Ms. Fave from now on) met me at Leicester Square and together we walked to Jade Gardens. We arrived late (Someone threw themselves under my train on the way in...SO inconvenient for me) so everyone was already there and we received quite the warm welcome. Most I think because myself and Ms. Fave rarely go out to the work gatherings thanks to prior arrangements (see: laundry night).

The dinner was wonderful. The food was amazing. And Ms. Fave and I ate until our hearts content! And STILL managed to get out of there paying under 20 quid! Result!

There is something immensely satisfying about sitting with a bunch of people you know but don't know. I love it because you get to make the small talk, ask the questions and stick your nose into their private lives. And, if you haven't guessed... I love to talk and more importantly I love to tell my story. I tell a good "my life story" because there is a lot to tell for a 24 year old, and it's mostly unconventional and interesting (waving my own flat, you know it!). Like I said, Dinner was wonderful.

Oh, did I mention I managed to get the whole table to burst into song? Hell yes I did.

Ms. Fave, Mr. Baldy (premature balding young psychiatrist. I say this with affection) and myself were discussing what song the two of them should sing for Karaoke. I, of course, took it upon myself to decide and sang (quite boldly mind you) "I'm...having the time of my liiiiiife" at which point (and I kid you not my friends) the rest of the table finished off with a resounding (if not slightly off key) "And I've never felt this way before!!"

I, simply, was the hero.

How was your Theta Mom Thursday?

Randomness revolving around books and knitting due to not wanting to go to bed just yet.

2009-10-28T21:55:00.003Z

Last week I finished reading The Pact by Jodi Piccoult (I'm attempting to get through all her published work at the moment) and found it rather heavy. As always a brilliant, gripping read, but none the less disturbing. And also...It was a movie, no? I only realized this about 3/4 of the way through when I started to remember what would happen. Obviously seen it before...A while ago though.

Anyways, as I briefly mentioned I'm attempting to work my way through Jodi Piccoult's work, which is an absolute pleasure but I always have to take a 2 book break after one of her novels. Usually something more light hearted, if I didn't, I would become Jodi Piccoult's characters I am sure, because she writes so damn well I start mixing myself up with the story. If this makes sense?

Well, after finishing The Pact I picked up The Friday Night Knitting Club by Kate Jacobs which I bought (along with most of my books) at the charity shop last week. On a whim. I use to knit and knitting will always remind me of my beloved late Granny.

I'm really into this book. And after having a quick google have realized it's been made into a movie due to be released next year. Should be good (not that I ever go to the movies). It's a fun, warm read and if you are anything like me (desperate to pick up some sort of hobby/craft in an attempt to finally become that "perfect mum") then you'll like this book, because it's again inspired me to pick up the needles and knit something! God knows what, nor where I shall start (since I no longer own a pair of needles and obviously do not have my Granny here to guide me) but I will! I will!

I'm going to HobbyCraft this weekend for SURE. Of course, I'll make a scarf first. Something......... Bright.

Wish me luck!

For Your Information

2009-10-28T14:49:00.005Z

You probably haven't noticed but I have a second blog going. I call it "Psychoanalyze This" and It's essentially a place for me to get thoughts out relating to how my therapy is going etc. It's not nice stuff. Dark and heavy but I suppose my casual snarky wit is still in there... I have it private but if you are really interested in reading it I will happily add you with the warning that I ask not to be judged.

If you read THIS blog then hopefully you know generally I am a happy, bubbly, confident, laid back, ifnotsometimesslightlynuts, woman. And I am those things. Proudly. I am who I am because I worked my damn ass of to get here. No maybe I'm not "successful" like some would think but I came from a broken home with a broken soul (I really debated writing that for a loooong time because. CHEESEY.) and more importantly broken sense of self. And you now how I came out of that? All.By.My.God.Damn.Self.

No one "saved" me. In fact, still, no one will even acknowledge what happened too me (except my Husband, obviously). And that's fine because it doesn't define me and despite that, I have still become the person I always wanted to be. A strong and happy woman who, most importantly, is comfortable in herself. Hurrah! Three cheers?

Anyway, I decided to start this new blog because I didn't want to tarnish this lovely Young Wives Tale, and despite being in a really good place right now, Therapy is dragging up a whole lot of dirt that I do feel strong enough to deal with now, but none the less is shaking my foundations.

So, no better outlet than writing right? Right. I suppose I am telling you all about this blog because maybe it interests you or maybe you can relate and are interested to see my journey or know you are not alone. Whatever it is, feel free to join, but just know I am not looking for sympathy or people to hold me up. Just friends.

Edit: I said that no one saved me but there were quite a few people that helped me, gave me the courage/opportunity to help myself. Even if they were not aware of what they were doing. And for those people I am eternally grateful.

Midlife

2009-10-28T08:25:00.004Z

Do you ever not like the person you love?

Husband and I have, what I think is a great relationship. We rarely fight, we make each other laugh, we have a good sex life, we're on the same level with parenting. We're a team. We enjoy each others company.

But sometimes, I don't like him. And I don't think it has to do with him particularly. I'm sure there is something he does that tips the balance (be it a smart remark, or just a funny look) but mostly I think it is down to my mood.

Yesterday I did not like him. I loved him still of course, but just looking at him pissed me off and I was wistfully dreaming of being a single mum. I assume (as I always do) that this probably has something to do with my past abuse and my "defenses" coming up. But it's a very odd feeling, especially since I know I have to so good (though, just for the feminist in me i have to say, he's got it pretty damn good too!).

I also wonder if this has to do with him hitting the big 40.

Did I mention I'm having his midlife crisis for him?

Best way to explain this is to try and remember when you were say 14-16. And you knew someone/had a friend that was 20-25. HOW OLD WERE THEY!!?! I mean, they were grown ups! Mature! And you would never put a 19 year old you knew and a 20 year old you knew in the same category, because, HELLO! 20 is SOOOO much older/cooler that 19. Then of course you reach the age of 20 and realize that actually you're still young and still don't know anything (thought you only realize the latter when you reach about 25...If you're lucky). Well this is how I feel now. During Husband and I's relationship I have been in my early 20's and Husband in his late 30's... But it was still his 30's. Now he's 40 and I can't stop thinking how that is 4 decades, and how really, if he had met me when he was 15, he could have changed my diapers...And met me when I was 20? baby sat me... And met me when he was 30? I would have been one of those annoying teenagers that think they know everything and he would have been stood there, hands in his pockets, shaking his head and mumbling to himself "stupid kids".

That's heavy man.

The thing is though, everyone that has ever met my husband or knows my husband will say he seems/looks younger than he is. And he does and he is. Most people when they see us together only think there is maybe a 5 year difference (It doesn't help I look way older than I am) so it's not like shockingly obvious to the "public", and everyone thinks we're a perfect match...

But I can feel it niggling at the back of my mind... It's all good now, but in 20 years, when I'm 45 and Husband is 60... Am I going to be resentful that he's not as active or whatever, and I still want to go.go.go?

I look at my father-in-law and signs point to no. He, in his late 60's is still extremely active and fit and handsome for his age. The men in my Husband's family age well. Hurrah! But it still scares me... Because let's be honest here, chances are Husband will pass away quite a while before I do. And, girls, I know they say black suits everyone, but not me.

How to become a regular

2009-10-26T11:51:00.007Z

1) Use names as often as possible without sounding creepy
This is a fine art and one I have down to pat. When you find an establishment that you want to become a regular at the first rule of thumb is too make sure you know them and they know you. Always take note of your servers name and use it as often as politely possible (Example: "What would you recommend on the menu, Sam?") and always make sure you use their name when you are leaving ("Goodnight Sam, thank you!"). In turn try and use your own names as often as possible, so that the server picks them up (Example: "My Wife, Eve, will have a glass of white wine") and correct them when they say "ma'am/sir" with "Please call me Eve" (or Mrs/Mr/Ms. _____ if you prefer). But get your name in there! There is nothing like walking into an establishment and having the host call out your name with a smile on their face.

2) Pick a table, and stick to it!
You've got approximately two visits to choose your table and then STICK to it. Once you find that perfect space in the restaurant too you, let them know. When making your reservation ask them if your "favourite table is available", and explain which one that is. If the restaurant is good (and if it's somewhere you plan to go regularly then lets hope it is) they will remember this and never again will you have to ask for your table. Also having your "own table" gives you and the staff at the restaurant a sense that you belong.

3) Have a standing reservation.
This is the best way to let them know you're loyal. Once you have been a few times ask to put your name down for the same table the same time, once a month (or how ever often you like). Most restaurants will call you the day before or day of the reservation to see if you still are coming so if something comes up you can always cancel and reschedule if needed, otherwise just let them know you'll see them next month.

4) Keep them on their toes
Drop in every once in a while. Even better if it's on a time or day they are not use to seeing you. Even if it's just to stop for a quick morning coffee and bun. Again, if they're really good, they'll try and make sure you still get your favourite table.

5) Keep them happy
Other than being happy for the regular business you provide them, their real use for you is word.of.mouth. They figure, if you love them so much, you MUST be talking about them. So talk! Bring them more business. If you are a regular known face in a restaurant these are the best places to brings friends and family you want to impress. Restaurants tend to be very good at making you look popular and liked in front of your friends and family, so let them lavish you and leave your friends and family impressed with not only the restaurant you so wisely recommended but also with what a good rapport you have with the restaurant staff. Everyone is a winner.

The Birthday it self

2009-10-23T12:36:00.004+01:00

So, Husband is 40. Officially.

As you know we had a surprise birthday party planned for him the Saturday before his birthday. Now, I don't know if it's the same for you guys but whenever I or someone I know organizes a party it starts out with 80+ people "guaranteed" to come and ends up with about 20. Well of course, this happened. I'm grateful to say this had nothing to do with my ability to track down people from Husbands past and present and more to do with the fact that the In-Laws insisted on holding the party a good 1+ hour drive from ANYONE in a town that no one knew with very bad transport links... Yes, cheaper than central London but at the costs of any guest coming.

They were surprised, I was not.

But despite the lack of bodies the people that mattered were there and we all had a fabulous time. The band was brilliant and I of course, tore up the dance floor like no one else. Doing all the classic white girl dance moves. Running man, sprinkler, skanking, body rock....You know, the cool ones! It was a blast. Oh except for one thing... Did I mention we didn't have a babysitter? Well we did, at first. Mother-In-Law said she would take Son home (he was going to be there for the first bit of the party and then head home to bed by 9) but then changed her mind as we were heading out the door because she wanted to party too... Oh right, thanks a freaking lot. So, I was torn. Leave my Husband 40th Birthday bash early, which I slaved over organizing for 2 months. Or, let Son stay up? ... He stayed up, of course.

He was well behaved, dancing on the dance floor, eating all the food, and he took it upon himself to climb into his stroller at around 10.30pm and go to sleep, so it was good. But I was still pissed off at Mother-in-law. Not to mention she spent a big part of the party sweeping in and taking Son off me when I was in the middle of things with him (dancing, throwing cake at each other... you know, the fun stuff!). I love her but she drives me nuts. properly. And I know I've said it before but I will be doing a post on the dynamics of the In-Laws...Eventually

The rest of the week was blissful days full or love, laughter and happiness. Or something like that. 3 out of 7 days Son went to Nursery and it was like....amazing. I mean, of course, I missed him (noididnt) while Husband and I hung out in Starbucks, took long walks in the park, shopped until out bank accounts were empty and ate at a different restaurant every lunch, but it was well needed bonding time. In which Husband and I could for the first time in what seems like 20 months focus on each other without worry about Son. Like I said, it was bliss. And to make sure we didn't feel too guilty about leaving Son in nursery while we gallivanted around we took him to the Zoo and Aquarium and for MacDonald dinners.

But most importantly? Husband and I found a real babysitter. Not an in-law, but a REAL unrelated babysitter. It's the best thing ever. Did I mention she will do it for free? She is Son's key worker at his Nursery and she loves him so much she recently offered to babysit him for free if we ever needed it. So we have made an arrangement to do it once a month and we did our first one last Friday. Husband and I have NEVER had such a relaxed evening out. Usually when the in-laws are babysitting we are worried because they are going out of their way to do us a favour (yes, they make us feel guilty about them coming to babysit) and are constantly rushing so we are not home too late. Well not now with our super duper lives around the corner babysitter! No siry!

But I will speak of this night out further in my next post, because during this first stress-free night out we found what we are now going to consider our regular dive. A place where we will be known and have a special table booked once a month.

More on this later though.

They will build me up

2009-10-22T09:14:00.002+01:00

I feel terribly bad about neglecting you and my blog this past 2 weeks and I have thought of you often and missed you sorely. I have not had any time for myself other than a sporadic 10 minutes in the evening when I don't have enough energy to focus my thoughts into any kind of coherent blog post.

Even now actually I shouldn't be typing this because I am at work and the amount of *$%! I have to get through before 5pm today is ridiculous. It seems while I was away my work load not only was not touched (despite it not being my soul responsibility) but also seemed to get larger than usual. I have been trying to truck through it the past through days but have only made a small dent despite having my head down at my desk non-stop. Today I have to get it done, really...But instead I'll blog!

It's funny, despite not have been blogging for very long (and not being very good at it either due to not making time) I already feel awfully attached to so many of you. I hate that I don't know whats going on with you all. Tonight I am making a point to make time for myself and sit down with my laptop and play a bit of catch up. It's also really frustrating because I've recently started following a few new fab blogs (and their queen bees have started following me too!) and at first glance I was so getting into finding out more and enjoying their stories, and now I almost feel I must start over.

Thank you though for all bearing with me. I have PLENTY of photos and things to tell, and I've insisted to Husband that once this week of catching up on "real life" is over he must encourage me to take 30-60 minutes in the evening for myself to just sit down on the lap top and get stretch m. I am always so busy doing something and nothing. flapping around the house with chores that can wait and then neglecting time to myself. But I'm a perfectionist, and I find it hard to stop! Isn't it ridiculous that I find it extremely hard to find time for myself or justify to myself why it's OK to sit down for an hour and blog or read or WHATEVER.

Must learn to be selfish. Must learn to be selfish.

Birthday busy

2009-10-13T09:03:00.002+01:00

I'd like to think that you have all been wondering where I have been. I apologise for not warning of this absence before hand but Husband occasionally reads my blog and this past week and the rest of this week I have been in the throws of 40th Birthday Mayhem.

I have for the past 5 weeks secretly been planning a big surprise birthday party for Husband which was held on Saturday, which I have been DYING to vent and rant about on my dear blog here but I stupidly in a desperate attempt to get Husband involved in "things" gave him my blog URL. So I have had to be careful what I say.

We are both off from work this week and have lots of things planned through the week, so I really won't be around much, if at all, until Sunday. But this was just a pop in and say hello and let you all know whats going on.

As soon as everything cools down I'll be blogging about all the fun happenings with pictures to accompany.

I hope you guys can wait for me until then! I'll be thinking of you!

Theta Mom Thursday!

2009-10-08T13:21:00.005+01:00

Alright Theta Mom's! It's that time of week again! And I'm sorry to say this week I'm kind of cheating. But you know you've got to take what you can get!

Husband's Birthday is next week and I had to run an errand in Covent Garden in preparation for the celebratory day. So I grabbed the chance last night after work since I knew Husband would be home with Son. 5pm I hoped on the tube and headed for Holborn. Lucky for me one of my close friends works in Covent Garden and how could I pass up the opportunity for a coffee and a gossip when I was in the area?

Due to the weather all coffee houses were full so we got a take away and trudged through the rain and down Endall Street as we scoured shops for my prize.

The visit only lasted an hour because I did have to get home to the boys, but the packed tube and the wet frizzy hair were totally worth that 60 minutes of gossip and luke warm coffee. Just to have a little bit of time without boys.

It made me realize I don't need much more than that. I don't need to organize a big outing once a week to get away from my boys, just a quick coffee and a breather do the job nicely. Of course that doesn't go to say I don't want big dinners and such with friends etc. but It's ok if they're few and far between, as long as I get the 1 hour breather.

So I take back what I said first, I didn't cheat.

Thanks again Theta Mom!

Who am I?

2009-10-07T14:33:00.004+01:00

I've been extremely broody the last few weeks. Upon deciding I did want another baby this promptly became the ONLY thing I thought about, and consecutively, nag Husband about. He's only partially into it. He wants to wait until we move to a bigger place and he gets a better job, which is totally cool with me as long as it's by December next year because I WILL be pregnant come next summer. Oh yes.

I often call husband in the middle of the day just to remind him I want him to knock me up. He sighs, laughs and refuses. I point out this means he'll get free sex and this usually does it for him... Oh, not that I charge him for sex with me, although I totally should because I'm that good. Thing is I can't get up the duff until I get my implant taken out.

You see, after an excruciating 24 hour labor with son the first thing I did upon exiting the birth centre was book an appointment for contraception. I of course went with the implant because THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD MISS THAT AND GET PREGNANT AGAIN. Keeping in mind the pains of labour were still fresh in my mind and the thought of ever letting another human being pass through my delicate lady parts was met with a resounding NO.

But now... 19 months down the line and I am broody again.

That was, of course, until Theta Mom posted about how time is taken from you when you have children. And then to top it of Kmama comment on this post saying how the jump from 1-2 children is a lot harder than anyone ever talks about... No one has talked to me about this for example... I figured it's be a piece of piss since I've already got it down to a pat with the first one.

So now, here I am, wind taken from my sails and feeling decidedly sick inside.

I know this is extreme but thinking about the lack of time I have for myself and even more terrifying the lack of thoughts I have for myself being even less than it is now... It makes me choke up and want to cry.

And I feel guilty for thinking this of course, because I love my Husband and my Son more than the world and I'm very lucky to not only have a strangely well behaved and laid back little boy, but also a helpful and supportive husband. So who am I to complain? But then when I really look at my day to day life I realize how little I do for myself and how hard I find it make time for myself even upon knowing I should and then when I do make time for myself how utterly guilty I feel for doing so and then of course, I don't enjoy my "me time".

So how will I cope adding another one to the mix?

And also... There of course, is that little bit of me that wants to shake my husband and yell "Do you realize how much I do and sacrifice for you two?!?!" and yes, I know it was I who asked this of myself and it is I who sets the expectations for myself so high. But doesn't he understand how becoming a wife and a mother have totally taken over who I am? To the point where I am wondering what happened to ME?

I know things have changed for him as well, I understand that. But nothing to the scale they have for me, if only for that fact that he at least knows how to stop thinking about me/son and have his alone time in his thoughts. And how he never feels guilty or worried about leaving Son in someone else's care, or how he doesn't rush home every evening from work desperate to spend time with me and son. Why can't I do those things?

I have always been maternal. I have always wanted to be the doting wife and mother. And I'm damn well good at it. But I am also 24 and well aware that when I try to think of interesting stories about my life their is not enough life lived to come up with any.

So what do I do? I feel there is no middle ground only the two extremes. Have more babies and dedicate myself solely to their upbringing, or run away and become a nomad.

Nomad is looking awfully appealing. But really, I want to find that middle ground...

But how?

Puff puff

2009-10-06T15:48:00.002+01:00

I'm a smoker.

There I said it.

As a smoker, I of course know all the horrible things smoking does to me. Trust me. I know it all. But I still choose to smoke. I have no inclination to quit at the moment although I like to think one day I will. Just not now. Why? Partly because popping outside for a cheeky fag while Son is napping, or in the evening when he's gone to bed and Husband is checking his e-mail, gives me thrills. It's the only time I am doing something that has nothing to do with Son or Husband. It. Is. Mine. It may be bad for me, but it is still mine.

One thing all smokers hate is being told and nagged to stop smoking. And to hear, the whole "do you know what those things will do to you!?" ... YES. We do! Really! And guess what! We've got enough with our mother's breathing down out necks and pressuring us to quit without you adding to that. And NO it doesn't make me more likely to quit, if anything it makes me want to start chain smoking in a little one-finger-up to you salute.

Really. It must be the most annoying thing in the world.

And what gets me is 90% of the time the people who are nagging me are people who don't actually care about me. And I don't mean that in a "boo hoo, why don't you love me?" sort of way. I just mean they are random work colleagues, who occasionally I do the niceties with when we happen to bump into each other at the water cooler. But other than that, there is no talking, or how do you do's. So WHY do you feel it's your place to ask me what I am doing when you see me going out for a fag, or to leave posters on my desk with quit smoking help lines.

If you're not careful, next time I light this bad boy up, it'll be right up your ¬£$%$^¬£¬""%&*

Still out

2009-10-03T08:40:00.004+01:00

Just another quick one to say I haven't forgotten about you and I'm getting mighty frustrated and not knowing whats going on in the blog roll. But yesterday it all came to a head and after a fight with my GP about why I didn't want to go to the A&E/ER (Who would look after my little man?!)

I was drugged up on super strong pain killers and antibiotics in an attempt to make me better. This morning it seems it's working but I feel like a new born, unbalanced, fuzzy and unable to keep my attention on one thing.

Husband last night apologized for being a toss pot (those weren't his exact words of course) which he only did after he realized how bad it was when his mother called him from OUR house asking why he was coming home late when he knew his wife was sick.

The in-laws ended up coming and taking Son out for the day when I was prescribed the painkillers and realized they knocked me right out.

It all started when I woke up. Wasn't feeling any better so made an appointment at my GP's (who I happen to live next door to) 5 minutes after hanging up with the kind receptionist this crippling pain started across my chest, side and back (my ribs essentially). Now, I have a very high pain tolerance generally but I have to say, this was worse than childbirth. Seriously. I was on the floor crying and screaming while still trying to smile for my son and explain mummy was just being silly. I dragged myself next door and into the GP's waiting room where upon seeing me my GP suggested I go to A&E for an X-ray. I through my yelps of pain told him unless he planned on babysitting, it ain't going to happen.

I wasn't going to dare call Husband and ask for his help, not I doubted he would have helped, but because I didn't want to give him that satisfaction of knowing I needed him after the way he acted. this is when I called the In-Laws.

Anyways, feeling much better today but decidedly drugged up and I hope this post makes some sense because I'm not sure if it will.

Hopefully come Monday I'll be back to my old self and will be able to catch up with everyone, but until then please forgive my distance from it all.

Theta Mom Thursday!

2009-10-01T14:02:00.002+01:00

I'm quite chuffed with my Theta Mom Thursday attempt this week. There was a Transcendental Meditation hour long presentation available to staff at my work this week and I jumped at the opportunity to attend and find out more.

I grew up with and around meditation. I remember there was a period when my father would organize nightly meditation sessions for the family. We would all sit in the living room and my father would talk us through it. I must have been under 10 years old, but I always remember how much I enjoyed it and I always hoped that if I got good enough I would start to float.

Lately I've been feeling I need some sort of inner peace. Some salvation not just from my busy life with my lovely boys (which I love, but we all know a little me time is what this is all about) but also salvation from all the "dark" (excuse the cliche) thoughts therapy is bringing up lately.

So I dove right into this presentation with no hesitation to raise my hand and ask every question I could think of.

I know, I know, this is going to sound C.H.EESY but I feel this could be my way to peace with myself. He sold it very well and I'm not the gullible type nor a believer in "mambo jumbo" as I usually call it. But I'm willing to try anything once!

Apparently people who practice Transcendental Meditation (And I have a friend who does) find they have better quality of life within themselves. Their not hippy and all fairies and shit, but they just get it. Transcendental Meditation isn't about enlightening yourself it's about allowing your body internal rest and your mind to Transcend (aaahh, get it) the way nature intended so that your body can heal and balance yourself. Nothing magic about it, it's all about nature. The scientific studies done on it (because ya'll know I'm one for research) are quite interesting....

So. Who's fallen asleep?

it's alright, it's not for everyone, but I got that hour dedicated to myself and also took the first step to my self improvement. I will always be improving!

Mr. "Chilled"

2009-10-01T10:53:00.001+01:00

My Husband declares himself one of the hardest people to wind up. He's Mr. Cool.

Except, of course, when it comes to me.

This I find amusing and sad. Amusing because he has SO many tics. Husband is a little arrogant. Which is one of the things I love about him. But also my main cause of strife. He truly believes he is perfect. Which of course means, he does not need to try.

Husband also is missing the part of his brain that allows for sympathy for other human beings. He's not one of those men that gets Man Flu. He rarely gets sick and if he is sick he pretends he's fine and trucks on.

So... Imagine if you will; I'm sick. sick like I am dragging my feet as I come home, coughing and gripping my side in pain, feverish, yet chilly...you know, GENERALLY unwell.

I won't go into detail, but surf ice to say, husband was mean. This is not unusual. He can be quite intolerant over little things (Like for example, I shut the cupboard door to loudly. This ensues into him accusing me of having no manners and blahblah...I stop listening). So there I am on the couch, dying (right, not dying. but still) and I say to him "please don't be mean to me tonight" to which he responds something along the lines of "I'm not going to be mean to you if you stop being such a pathetic lump on the couch".... I...simply.... sigh. Why did I expect anything else? He is not sympathetic and if anything gets even more irritable at sickness. There was a lot more rudeness in between then and that evening. And I didn't get to bed early because son was refusing sleep...But the worst?

In the middle of the night I awoke from a dream in which Husband was strangling me, so waking up my first reaction is to take a huge gasp of breath which then started me off coughing. And not like normal coughing; like whithering, can't catch my breath, think I might puke, shooting pains through my body, coughing. So there I am at 2am shoving my face into the pillow to try and keep my dying as silent as possible (YES, I know. Not dying...wotevah) and what does husband do upon awaking to discover his most beloved struggling to breathe?

Grumbles. Rolls over. Mutters something about being quite and him needing sleep. and then tells me that if its so bad I should go get some water.

I of course can't agree with him more. I need water! but I'm too busy trying TO BREATHE to get any. Of course, he doesn't offer....Despite me being, you know, married to him and shit. Which is cool, if that's how he wants it. I can TOTALLY stop being considerate and thoughtful towards him... Who am I kidding, no I can't.

Anyways, I eventually managed to claw my way to the fridge for some water and when I came back Husband suggested I take the day off work. Sweet, no? No. He didn't say it sweetly. His tone of voice said "I'm fed up with you".

Fed up with me? Fed up with me because I am sick? It's not like I can help it. Asshole.

There. Spewed it. I've been meaning to say something about this attitude of his for ages. Because, yes, although Husband is pretty darn great, he is far by perfect. BUT because he THINKS he is perfect he is getting less great day by day. If that makes sense? I don't want him to be perfect, because I am not, I just want him to try, like I do. Effort. I want effort. Oh, and kindness. Oh, and his balls on a silver platter.

Disclaimer: Husband is not abusive. He is not aggressive and he is not a bad husband. This post is merely me complaining about the things I feel effect our relationship (i.e. his short fuse) and his faults. Which of course, everyone has. Including *gasp* me. It is my prerogative as his wife to be able to complain about him. You all know that.

Out of commission

2009-09-30T09:38:00.003+01:00

I don't know what's going on. Blog roll has been neglected and so has my house. This Flu has taken me in one fowl sweep.

I use to be one of those annoying people who never is never sick. I would get the sniffles once a year and that.was.it. Since I've had my son I've been sick once every 7-10 weeks. With either a cold, flu, stomach virus and even once septicemia. It's all very charming.

Right now I still ache and the worst part is I have the shivers. I hate the shivers. Does anyone else hate the shivers?

SO. Yesterday at work, my plan was to keep my head down and blog and feel sorry for myself.

Of course, the gods thought other wise.

First thing I see when I get to my desk is two e-mails. Sent Thursday evening declaring that I had to attend a meeting from 9.30am-11.30am and then a second meeting at 12.30pm to 3.30pm, This second meeting I was meant to be talking at too. LOVELY. They obviously can't recall that I never worked on a Friday or Monday there.

So I was stuck in hot and stuffy presentations and meetings all day. The only sweet pleasure I got out of this was watching as everyone inched their chairs further away from me and I interrupted the presentation at the most important parts with a coughing fit. Bet they wish they hadn't insisted I attended now!

Sureal Peace

2009-09-27T16:47:00.002+01:00

Husband has taken Son to the park in this glorious weather to feed the ducks and allow me a 30 minute nap, which I am now going to take.

I just had to blog about this first though because the house...without boys in it... is really quite strange.

It's so quite...

I don't recall the last time I was in this house without either of the boys here. It's kind of magical.

I almost feel like I shouldn't sleep, just sit in the living room in the blissful silence and read for a while. But my body aches so much that I really feel I need a recoup because then it's time to make dinner! Husband did offer to cook but I feel I need to keep going or I'll stop altogether, and I like to be busy anyways.

I have a question about chicken for you all though. I've defrosted some chicken and now I need to marinate it for 24 hours, will this be ok? Since it's defrosted etc.

Sunday news

2009-09-27T13:49:00.002+01:00

I feel rough. To put it simply. I suppose it's a cold or the like but my whole body aches and I'm coughing so much I keep peeing a little. I know, I know, just totally took the glam out of Eve for you. Too bad. Even perfect people like me get sick and pee themselves a little.

Husband has agree to the rota of a hot bath and massage for me once son is sound asleep. I can't wait.

I'm about to do some serious batch cooking, pasta sauce for the next couple of weeks, mashed potatoes (I have a bag full of potatoes about to go off and I can't stand to waste them. So mash it is! It freezes well) and then I'm making For The Love of Cooking's Asian Chicken and Fried Rice for dinner. I've been meaning to make this for a while and today seem as good a day as any.

Did I mention as well I have an order for the Carrot Cake I made last week? One of my work collegues asked for a cake for this Tuesday. I make the cake, she gives me a bottle of wine. Sounds like a deal to me! It's also a super way to have a reason to practice my baking. I'm hoping she'll continue to put in requests and I can use her as a genuine pig while I experiment more.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a kitchen to attend too.

Theta Mom Thursday!

2009-09-24T20:53:00.005+01:00

Ah now this week I actually have something for you ladies. Or for me I suppose. I made time. I grabbed that "no boys allowed" sign and held it high. Oh was it ever needed.

So, as you may know, my sister was over this weekend. USUALLY because it's the weekend boys are with us at all times. If not both then Son, but I needed to do a little birthday shopping for Husband so he dropped Sister and I off at at Freeport shopping center and we got to work!

On drinking lots of coffee and talking.

Nada shopping was done. We gave up after reaching the 3rd shop and realizing we couldn't recall what the two shops we'd been in previously were. You know when you are so into a conversation that you are on auto pilot and you do the motions (in our case, browsing) but aren't there? This happened, so eventually we retired to Starbucks where we talked, caffeinated ourselves and chain smoked.

It was one of those talks that needed a cigarette to go with it. One of those deep emotional talks about childhood and now being an adult. For me it really helped and it felt good to talk to someone who understood.

I'm glad we did it. I though now, of course, am constantly worried for her. But she is strong. She is like me.

So success for my Theta Mom Thursday! Since Theta Mom started this though it really made me realize how involved I am with everybody else. It's shocking how hard it is to find 1 selfish hour in a week... 1 hour out of 168.. I didn't manage to make it for the last 2 weeks and it just made me realize how although super that is for everyone else in my life, it's not so super for me. 1 hour! Must try harder.

I would have never thought I would have to push myself to be selfish. The things kids do to you.

And just when I think you're gone, there you are

2009-09-23T12:24:00.005+01:00

I have a stalker. I suppose everyone should have a stalker once in a while. I've had semi-stalkers before, Usually emo-type young men who slip poetry under my front door and dried flowers, or the obvious choice of a mix tape with a playlist consisting of such song like "I will always love you" and "My all". Gag. They're always a bit creepy but exciting, everyone likes a good weirdo story. I'm not one to be flattered by stalker tendencies though as I hate clinginess and the whole bull shit of "I need you to be happy". Blagh. No thanks, I got my own happiness to worry about.

Anyways, I might have gotten of track a little there. I have a stalker. This Stalker has been stalking me for over a year now. Despite my cold shoulder, my insults and threats she still persists. Ah yes! She. Let me tell you the story.
When Son was about 5 months old I was feeling a bit lonely and so joined a local mummy chat forum, hooking new mums up with each other. Sounded like a good idea at the time as I have no friends in the UK with children and was looking for someone to understand my stress and fears.

Stalker got in touch, and at first it was chatting through e-mail and finding out more about each other, she was not from the local area and although I had joined a 0-1yr babies group her son was 2+. I at first was hesitant because I felt I wanted someone more local and with a child Son's age so they could play, but she suggested we meet for coffee in London and I feeling desperately lonely, agreed.

It was good, normal, and fun. now let me share the kind of picture she painted for me regarding her life. She is from a wealthy back ground, she married a man with a very well paid job and is obviously spoilt and gets what she wants. Her and her son were both dressed in designer clothes. She doesn't see her husband much because if he's not working he's out at "business dinners" which usually end up making him miss the last bus home (...night buses?) which means he has to "crash on his female work colleagues couch"... Because she lives close to the office... Riiiight. Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions (oh I so am, especially if they are juicy conclusions. I just usually keep them to myself) but sounds to me like there was an affair going on which she was either trying not to see or she is just really thick.

While we were having coffee she invited Husband, Son and I to come to her house for a BBQ that following day, I said we were not sure but I would let her know in the morning. This is when the stalker tendencies began.
Between when I left her that late afternoon and when I woke up in the morning I had 6 missed calls from her, and several texts. Each text said the same thing "Hope you and your son are doing well, can't wait to see you later!"...
Husband and I were both not very interested in going to her BBQ because we'd had a busy week and were looking forward to some lazy family time. Eventually, late that morning I text'd her to let her know we were declining the offer but that I would get in touch with her after the weekend so we could arrange another coffee date. I had hardly put my phone down before she had text'd me back with something along the lines of:

"Please come! My Husband has invited some of his work colleagues over and I will have no one to talk too, I can't do this on my own!"

Now, if there is one thing I hate more than clinginess it is desperateness. especially from someone I wouldn't consider a close friend and especially from someone I just met. It's a real turn off, you know?

But alas, I feel guilty and husband and I decide what the hell, we'll go. We met her husband and his "female work colleague"...Awkward! And obvious... The whole experience was very strange and she continued to be shocked any time Husband would pick up, cuddle or play with our Son. She would squeal "oh look at daddy with his baby!" and then she would hang around him making sure he was holding our Son right... OBVIOUSLY her Husband had little to do with their little boy. It was sad really, I didn't see him acknowledge his son once. Husband and I were there for 2 hours and then made our excuses to bolt. I was feeling very uncomfortable at this point because Stalker was showing a lot of interest in Husband and Son, almost as if she wanted them for herself... wanted to be me. This develops later.

Stalker offered to let us borrow a push chair of hers for a while since mine was wonky, as well. This I am telling you because it plays a big role later.

After we left this BBQ although there was definitely a few odd looks passed between Husband and I, we did not think too much of it. Just a lonely woman, looking for friends. WRONG. I received 8-10 calls and text's from her every day for the next 7 DAYS. I personally am not a big phone person, I can talk on the phone for hours sometimes, if I have something to say, but I won't have anything to say to you other than "stop calling" if you call me that much. I had told her upone leaving I would call her next weekend for a chat. She called. and called. and called. and text'd. I once or twice answered and said I was busy and would call her back that evening...an hour later, she would call. and call. and call. And she never had anything to say! just "hey, whats going on?".."ah, nothing, just thinking of blocking your number". In desperation at some point I agreed to go out for drinks with her that coming Friday assuming I could get a baby sitter (since Husband would not be home). Come Thursday I could not get a baby sitter (and I did try!) so I called to break the news. The guilt she rained down on me! How could I cancel at such short notice, didn't I know she had bought a new dress and booked a hair and makeup appointment (...I was under the impression we were going to the pub. not to meet the queen). I apologized and said "Well, you of all people should understand what it's like. My In-laws have plans, they can't baby sit" She hung up. then 5 minutes later called back with a number of a babysitter she had googled in my local area. PLEASE! really? I'm not leaving my 6 month old son with a woman I have never met and have no recommendations for. She said I was being selfish. I at this point said I had to go and I would call her when I had a chance.

This did not stop her. For the following two weeks she called and called and called and called. She text'd and acted like this was normal. Now the thing is, I have a lot of friends, some of my best friends I see only once a month if lucky, because we're busy people, we understand. I don't want to spend every free moment I have being the support for a woman I just met and lets be honest, is fucking creepy. After a few E-mails sent from Stalker asking why I was ignoring her and what was wrong, I discussed with Husband my options. Be a pussy and block her electronically and hope that's the end of it, Or do the good thing and tell her how it is and a kind goodbye.

I must have been drunk or something because I decided on the latter. It took me a good 10 minutes to get up the courage to call her because I, although when pressed can be quite nasty, am not one for causing strife. But I didn't want this woman in my life anymore, so it had to be done. The convo, went a little something like this:

Me: Listen, I'm feeling very uncomfortable with how much you are calling me. It's not appropriate especially since we hardly know each other.

Stalker: This is surprising... Especially since you were the one who said you'd call me and we could have coffee.

Me: Yeah, well that was before you started acting like this.

Stalker: Acting like what? I'm doing what any other best friend would do. Keeping in touch, supporting-

(This is when I cut her off)

Me: You're not my best friend...We met a month ago.

Stalker: Well..Not YET.

Me: .... (unsure how to deal with crazy people)

Stalker: It's alright. I get it, you need space. I promise I won't call so much.

Me: That's great. But the thing is, I don't want you to call at all. You've made this awkward and we hardly know each other so it's not like were invested. So I think we should just break it off with a nice goodbye and wish you all the best.

Stalker: Really? Well...why don't we just have a break. a couple of weeks, think things over before we do anything we regret

(Why do I feel like I'm breaking up with this woman...)

Me: I'd prefer you to just not call me ever again actually.

Stalker: I'll let you cool of and then call you later.

Me: No. Don't call. Finished. the end. Not so nice knowing you. Bye!

I go to hang up at this point. But just for measure, say into the mouth piece "NUTTER!"

...So mature.

So it's over. It's ended. Oh Thank god. I sat there breathing a sigh of relief, feeling free again. Until. My phone rings... It's her! Shit. I quickly reject the call. But it continues. for the next 3 days she calls and texts me over and over, leaves me messages, all sounding very breezy as if we never had that conversation. She did send me one e-mail saying she felt I betrayed her trust. BLAHBLAH. WotEVAH.

In her e-mail though she does ask me for her pram back. blast, I forgot we had that. After lots of convincing ("If I take it back she'll probably hog tie me and keep me in her closet!") Husband agrees he'll drop it buy her house. So off he goes...And when he returns he has this amused smirk on his face... Oh god. "What happened?" I ask. "She invited me in...for a drink. But she was all dressed up. Like, you know. And then said that if I ever needed to talk or wanted a shoulder to lean on, she was there for me"... I burst out laughing. THAT'S IT!! She doesn't want to be friends with me! She wants to BE ME! She wants my perfect handsome attentive husband and my cute perfect clever boy....Shit...good thing I cut it off.

So, I go out and spend £60 on an new phone because it allows me to block numbers and do exactly that. I unfriend her on Facebook and block her e-mail address... over a year later I still get a monthly friends request on Facebook from her with a little message "how's you and my boys?"

My boys? THEY ARE MINE YOU CRAZY WITCH. MINE!

I know I can block her on Facebook too... But it's kind of interesting to see how long she'll keep trying. Husband things next time I should friend her and play it a bit, see what happens...For entertainment purposes. But this seems to me a little demonic. So, maybe not.

Success in baking

2009-09-23T09:02:00.002+01:00

So, you know how I made Natalie's Killer Carrot Cake recently? When I made it I made a 6 inch cake and 6 mini cupcakes. We ate the cupcakes and today I bought the cake into work. I came into work at 8:45 this morning and the cake is now gone. GONE. Check out the time people! 9.05am.

That's what I call success. Also, the cake, totally different from the cupcakes I made with it. As in SO.MUCH.BETTER. I'm now the raving hit at work.

Hm, maybe they'll let me keep my job!

Now, if you'll have to excuse me I've got to go and praise Natalie.

Maternity Leave

2009-09-21T22:35:00.002+01:00

I've got a question that came to my mind after reading ...and baby makes 3!'s most recent post.

What's maternity leave like in the US? Kristi say's she was blessed to stay home with her son for 4 1/2 months before returning to work. Is that the extent of maternity leave in the USA? I was a little surprised when reading the post because I thought "Only 4 1/2 months?!"... Not of course anything against Kristi at all! But because...that's all the maternity leave you get?

In the UK the government pays you monthly for 8 months of maternity leave, you can then extend that to 12 months (not being paid for those last four months but still guaranteed your job back when you return). Usually your employer adds something to this scheme. Mine for example paid me 90% of my salary for the first 3 months of my maternity leave. The British seriously complain about this as well by the way, because the government doesn't pay you much more that 400 pounds a month when on maternity and in some places in Europe (Sweden being one) you get 1 years full paid maternity leave.

Now I am wondering if in fact, we should keep our mouths shut here in the UK (though I never did complain... I am lucky enough to not need to work etc. cause of husband's job. I choose to work part time) if the USA is so much worse.

And shockingly too!!

I feel like a bit of a lady of luxury now to be honest... I mean... I could not imagine putting my son into child care any earlier than I did (he was 1 when he started 3 days a week, though he had been going for 2 mornings a week for a month. to gradually introduce him) nor finding the emotional strength to HAVE to go back to work in the midst of weaning my son (My most favorite time!)...And Breastfeeding... How do you guys breastfeed if you are working after 4 months? Do you just not? Or do you pump?

I just... I can't fathom how you could manage. I know people do... of course they do. And I am sure they do more than manage. I just... Can't wrap my head around the fact that this is the United States of America I'm talking about. It just seems so behind the times.

A long weekend

2009-09-21T21:49:00.003+01:00

I had my sister over for a 4 day weekend. Dropped her off at Waterloo this afternoon. It was nice having her over, having the distraction and being able to just chat and be open. We really get along, although she can be a bit much at times. She's a very affectionate person, so likes cuddling and leaning on people etc. Things I hate. I'm very protective about my personal space, and she likes to invade it. Although I know it's because that's her way of showing affection it still gets too much at times. And I don't know her well enough to be able to just be like "Fuck off out of my space".

You see, this is my half sister, from my fathers side. She's 4 years younger than I am and although I've always known about her I only met her a few years ago. One of those soap opera stories of she was an illegitimate child, my father wasn't suppose to have anything to do with her, another man raised her as her own and then my brother found her on MySpace, sent her a message along the lines of "Hey sis! Crazy we have the same Dad huh?" And totally shook her world (She didn't have a clue about us or that the man who raised her was not her real father)... It was a rocky few months. She's fit into my life well now and because I always knew of her I never found it of a shock to have "another sister". She's very similar to my siblings and I too, so she feels like part of the family.

Anyway, enough of the Soap Opera like life history... I made the Rhubarb Sour Cream Pie from Closet Cooking the other day and I must give a review. Firstly, I found it a joy to make and an even bigger joy to eat! My god! Without hesitation I can say this is my new favorite desert. Now, sure I do have a weakness for Rhubarb, and anything with a crumble topping is good in my book, but this desert was SO good that I ate all but two slices of this pie. Am I ashamed? My thighs are a little, but mmm mmmm MMM. Rhubarb season is my favorite season.

Husband loved the pie too though he felt it was too sweet for his liking (IS there such a thing?!).

I'm making this again. For sure.

Yesterday I made Natalie's Killer Carrot Cake over at Natalie's Killer Cuisine and again, YUM. Carrot cake is generally my favorite cake and I always think it's something that can't go wrong with. There are a few things I would do differently next time. I'd use more carrot's. I think I only used 2 cups although the recipe calls for 3 (my son was helping with the measuring) and I found the frosting was too wet. I, like Natalie suggests, used 3 cups of icing sugar (powdered sugar) but my icing seemed to stay creamy and wet despite Natalie's looking very...fluffy almost.

I assume this is my mistake, though I'm not sure what I did wrong. I used an electric whisk to mix it... Maybe on too high a setting? Would that make a difference?

Practice makes perfect as they say. Considering making fig tarts later this week, though I do still need to have another go at that damn cheese cake.

Jenga

2009-09-17T16:29:00.001+01:00

The last few therapy sessions I've had have been very intense. Delving deep into my past and bringing up a lot of questions and anger. It's left me feeling venerable and scared in some ways, and my "defense" for these emotions is to get organized. I need structure and routine in my life to make me feel safe while dealing with these troubles, and I need it badly. It's slightly OCDish I suppose. I plan my day the night before (while I'm laying in bed) in my head. Every second from when I get up (wake up. get out of bed. go to the toilet. brush teeth. turn on the shower. get in the shower....etc etc. down to the last detail) to when I go to sleep. I have a plan. I need to be in control.

If I loose control or if things don't go to plan, I effectively have a melt down. I get snappy, emotional, scared and paranoid. My therapist explained to me today that I have these melt downs because I depend SO much on the routine that when it breaks down, so does my mental state. This has happened 3 times this week.

The first time, because I decided I didn't like the taste of a marinade I was making, which meant I needed to make a different one, which ruined the "routine". Husband got a serious verbal thrashing... I'm not sure why I thought it was his fault but it was, and everything came out suddenly and I hated him for it.

Second time Husband made a comment about the way I was cooking. I snapped. We screamed, accused, I said he was an ungrateful bastard...etc.etc. All quite boring. Again. I hated him in those moments.

After these blow outs I eat humble pie and ask for forgiveness. Husband smiles and says he knows and that it's ok, and all the things bloody Mr. Perfect should say.

The thing is, this is very out of character for me. I don't nag, I don't blow up, I'm generally so laid back (particularly in our marriage) that I could fall over. We don't fight...really, we don't. I mean, we have differences, but we both usually just can't be bothered and get on with things. But this stuff we've been dragging up lately at Therapy has me shaken. Husband knows, and understands and is supportive... but it still sucks.

But... Like I said, this blow out of mine happened 3 times. The 3rd time, was last night.

The "routine" that day was I was to pick up Son after work, I would take him home and I would let him help me make dinner and then together we would make a pie. Nice family friendly stuff. After dinner and dessert we would play cars, have a bath and then go to bed. Perfect routine.

Except Son is nearing 2, you know? and 2 year olds...well they have tantrums. And BOY did he have one. He's at that age now where all his emotions are on high volume, so simple frustration turns into a full 45 minutes scream fest. And it did. Dinner ended up all over the kitchen and living room floor, my bookshelves were turned upside down. He literally ran.a.muck. I (and I'm proud to say this) kept my cool. Tried ignoring him, then tried being stern and then tried just being supportive, reminding him I was there and that it was time to calm down and that he was safe and ok and if he could calm down for a minute and tell me what was wrong I could help. It worked. He calmed down, but he was on edge from then on. One little move (like his toy car rolling off the ramp before he wanted it too) would set him off. I called Husband for reinforcements because I was feeling quite frazzled but Wednesday night is Husbands late night so he wasn't going to be home until Son's bed time. I had to trek on. And trek on I did! I stayed the cool calm and collected mummy my son knows, I put on that brave Mummy face all mothers know about.

And as soon as Husband walked in the door, just as Son was getting ready for story time? I grabbed a beer and a cigarette, went out into the garden and sobbed my little eyes out. It was like someone turned on the release valve and it all came out. I sobbed and I sobbed. and I smoked and I smoked. and I sobbed some more until I finally stopped shaking. Eventually I knew I would have to show my face though, so I wiped the mascara off my cheeks and went in. Husband ordered me to have a long hot bath, put my feet up. But I knew I needed to pull myself in first, find my routine again, to again feel safe. So I cooked and I baked. and I did it all some more. And I felt better...

But you know what it was that really killed me about last night? It wasn't so much my Son's tantrum... It was that the whole time he was crying or yelling...He was crying and yelling "Daddy"... Calling for his Daddy. That cut like a knife. What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Why don't you like me? Why can't I comfort you?

It hurt. It still hurts.

Confort in children

2009-09-15T21:44:00.003+01:00

Feeling a bit stressed the last couple of days which has left me snapping easily at husband and finding it hard to focus on anything for longer than 5 minutes. Hence the neglect to my blog and blog roll. Apologies, I am thinking of you all though.

Son is teething and so had a rough night on Sunday and we made the mistake of allowing him to stay up for cuddles.. I know it sounds mean of me to say this, but we shouldn't have done this. You give this kid a inch and he takes a mile. The last 2 nights have been spent trying to again "teach him" how to put himself to bed and that Mummy and Daddy can't stay in his bedroom with him ALL NIGHT. It's tough work, involving a lot of whining and a lot of in and out between rooms. Usually takes a couple of hours too... So tiring.

I'm not super strict with Son but I do feel he and I benefit from him having a set bedtime routine. He goes to bed no later than 8pm and I should be able to just walk him into his bedroom, give him and kiss, say goodnight and walk out. He's generally always been good, slept through from 3 months old 7pm-7am and he is like this now too...except seriously, give him any hint that he can get away with anything (more play time etc.) and he grabs hold of that bad boy and won't let go.

Sometimes you gotta do the tough love.

But after doing the tough love I always feel guilty and want to climb into his bed and cuddle him all night, but I know if I do this we'll all suffer the following evening.

I cling to Son when I am feeling emotional or stressed. Mostly because I find comfort in the fact that this is somewhere I belong and am needed. And when I am with Son I am forced to put on the brave face and be in control and happy for his sake. I often delve deep into the worlds of play when I feel low or frustrated with something, because Son can always pick me up again just by smiling or sneaking up behind and rugby tackling me (a regular occurrence). When he was very little (and even when he was in my tummy) I would speak to him about what worried me etc. and just talk and talk and tell him about California and all the little details. I don't do that anymore now that he understand me. I fear he'll think I'm crazy if he hears everything I've got to say!

I aspire to be

2009-09-14T12:04:00.003+01:00

I just found this website called Hostess with the Mostess. I've been trolling through it for a good 30 minutes now and I'm just getting all itchy with anticipation. The things I could do! It is totally my goal to be a brilliant host, it'll also come up in conversations when people are praising my famous cheesecake.

I've asked hubby to send me to finishing school but he just laughed. Did he not know I was serious?

This is short and sweet because Son has just gone for his nap and I'm desperate to grab a cat nap myself before he awakes... I've been up since 1am on and off. maybe got 4 hours sleep in total? Teething I think.

The joys of motherhood.

Theta Mom Thursday...but on a Friday!

2009-09-11T22:16:00.003+01:00

I totally started writing this post ON Thursday but haven't had a chance until now (Friday night) to finish it. Funny how life does that. Before I go on though I have to say there is a sickly sweet smell of garbage in my house and I can't figure out where it's coming from. I wish it would go away though.

So, What did I do for my Theta Mom Thursday?

Well I had it all planned. Monday Husband was off and a friend of mine has just come back from six weeks in India and I wanted all the details. So, a leisurely afternoon coffee seemed in order, no? And with free babysitting (provided by Husband) this was a perfect opportunity!

But, come Monday when I proposed the idea to Husband he seemed not very enthusiastic to be taking charge of Son for a hour or two. Now, he didn't say no, but he did the whole "Well, if you don't want him to be with you then I guess I'll watch him" thing...which of course then prompts me to get on the defense and say "It's not that I don't want him with me, I love him, he can always come with me....but" and then Husband cuts in with "whatever, do what you want"

So of course... I had to take Son with me. So that went out the window for my 1 hour of time to myself...And left me with a week that seemed to fly by in which I did nothing for myself. Other than Therapy. But I don't like to count that because that happens every week so I wanna set myself another hour a week to myself, you know?

I did just have a nice long bath...which I spent half of shaving, which I was doing because I don't want it to get to the point where Husband wonders why his wife is hairier than he is... So, that wasn't really for me either.

Who would have thought finding one totally selfish hour would be so hard?

Next week I shall try harder. :)

It starts with the parents

2009-09-10T10:01:00.003+01:00

I am a true believer that at the end of the day most things come back to the parents. Especially when they are under the age of 10. Sure, there are other factors in their life that make impressions on them and can sometimes not be the fault of the parent. For example, my mother-in-law thinks it is hilarious when my son tries to hit people, and encourages this (sometimes with household items) in ways, so I always end up going home and having a week long battle of again trying to make my son understand it is NOT ok. Which I of course, always do, but then it all starts up again next time mother-in-law has a go (Before you jump to conclusions about my mother-in-law please await a later post regarding the integrates of life with the in-laws).

Now the reason I'm talking about this is because this morning I was reading an article on Sky News called "UK Kids still living in Dickens-Style Poverty". Children from poverty are starting school not yet toilet-trained, unable to dress themselves and use and knife and fork properly... Now, my first thoughts are you don't need money to do those things, right?... And if anything toilet-training saves money, no? I mean, think of what you'd save on nappies/diapers! So, this hasn't got to do with poverty so much as it has to do with laziness.

These kind of things truly really absolutely get my blood boiling. And it's totally a common thing in Britain and the main problem with society here. Everyone blames the government and expects the government to fix their problems, NO ONE takes responsibility for their own life and their own children.

It boggles my mind still that people who don't want children still have children when there are so many methods to prevent pregnancy and to terminate it. And no no, don't tell me these 'gangsta' 18 year olds are pro-life so won't get an abortion. No one who is pro-life would then go on to not give their child a real chance at life... Or at least I'd hope not.

A quick disclaimer here; I am not saying nor assuming that all teenage/poor/whatever parents are bad parents, I know plenty that are brilliant parents.

The world makes my heart ache so much. I, coming from an abusive childhood, am very aggressive to bad parenting. And I'm not talking about different parenting from mine, because I get it, every parent is different (because every child is different, blahblah, you know the spiel) but abuse/laziness and neglect I can (like many) not tolerate. Seriously, what do you expect from having a child? My co-worker said "some people should be sterilized" and although I wasn't brave enough to say it (for fear of bordering on sounding like Henry Perkins, founder of Vermont Eugenics, who was like Hitler for Vermont...Another interesting and not widely known event in US history) I had thought it briefly too.

These people are neglecting to toilet-train, neglecting to teach their children basic things in life, and why? Because they don't have any money? ... No, Because they are lazy. The government have come up with an official term for these people, "Work Shy". That's a nice way of saying "You're too damn lazy to do anything and expect the government to give you benefits and free childcare so you can sit around and pop out some more rug rats because you can't be bothered to go to your GP and get FREE birth control".

Now, I'm not saying these people don't love their kids... Maybe some don't... But I assume most do, they just don't know how to be parents, which probably stems from how their parents were with them. And that brings me back to what I started out saying; It all starts with the parents.

So... Should the government maybe start a class available to all parents-to-be on the basics of raising a child? (I knew a woman that didn't know to hold her baby or change it's nappy)... Or again, is that pointing a finger at the government and saying it's their problem, when really it's ours.

I guess, at the end of the day I wish people would just take a bit of responsibility for their own lives. Be it not having kids if you're not ready or "rising to the occasion" so to speak. Because it's not fair... It's not fair on all these children, and it makes me so angry.

Quoting the article I linked to above:
A teacher said "I sent a first reading book home with a little girl, who was absolutely bursting with pride, for her to share with her mum, and was told 'It's not my job to listen to her read - It's yous'."

Does that make anyone else angry? Or am I just getting all worked up for no reason? Maybe this is my calling, social work. I don't think so, because I'm pretty sure a lot of people would end up with a mouth full of my fist.

Awards and House Husband Episode 2

2009-09-08T15:43:00.004+01:00

I have been given a squeeze from Theta Mom for being a loyal follower and I feel awfully proud and appreciative for being noticed. It is always a pleasure following you Theta Mom!

Loyal Award:

Rules: This award is for loyal followers and friends of your blog. I pass this along to the following women who have always been so loyal to me:

I choose you!
Heavenly Housewife at From Donuts to Delirium: My Life as a Housewife
Modern Mom at How to survive life in the suburbs
Miranda at My life and food encounters
You girlies were my first followers and for a while there were probably my only followers and you gave me a reason to keep writing, so thank you! But I'd also kind of like to give this award to all of you reading this now, because I know I don't have many followers, and that's ok, as long as I've still got you guys! So thank you!

Now... Food anyone?

Husband again made dinner last night (and is making it tonight too!) as he's been off the last few days and enjoying getting his foot in the kitchen. Both of us love to cook so sometimes it's a bit of a battle of who gets to make dinner. Last night I handed Husband a recipe for Minted lamb baguette that I fancied and watched him get to work. Only one word sums this little gem up and that's YUM. So fresh, so yummy and soooo having it again and again and again!

Minted Lamb Baguette

25g mint
15g parsley
1 tbsp wholegrain mustard
1 tbsp capers
2 tbsp lemon juice
5 tbsp olive oil
600g lamb leg steaks
4 Individual fresh baked ciabatta rolls (more stores sell the half-baked ones, these are perfect! or try a baguette)
4 handfuls of mixed lettuce leaves (we used a pre-washed bag of the mixed leaves with shredded beetroot in it. I loved the color this gave to the meal)

To make the dressing strip mint leaves from the stems straight into a food processor. Add the parsley, mustard, capers, lemon juice and 4 tbsp of the olive oil and whizz to make a fairly smooth dressing. Add more oil if needed.

Heat the grill to high. Brush the lamb steaks with 1 tbsp of oil and frill for about 4 minutes on each side. Set aside and cover with foil.

Split the rolls length ways and toast cut sides. Thinly slice the lamb. Spread a little of the dressing over the cut sides of the rolls, then fill with the salad leaves and lamb. Spoon over the lamb juices from the grill pan and more dressing. Sandwich the rolls back together. Serve hot.

Serve with chunky chips!

My worst nightmare

2009-09-08T14:32:00.003+01:00

I have a lot of nightmares and/or strange dreams. I am always waking up in the morning thinking "what the f***" and sometimes Husband has woken me up in the middle of the night because I am crying. One of my most reoccurring nightmares is that of a normal morning at my house. I dream that I wake up and realize I've slept in and need to hurry to get ready for work. I have a quick wash, get dressed, pack my lunch and head to the bus stop. It is only when I get off the bus at work that I realize I forgot my son and I panic and there are no buses coming quick enough to go home, and no taxi's and nothing, so I run. I run so fast home my feet bleed and my legs cramp I am in so much pain and I am screaming and crying because I can't believe how horrible a mother I am, how neglectful, how my son should never forgive me. I never get home in my dreams, I always wake up while I am still running.

This is a pretty rough dream for me, as I can't imagine ever forgetting my son because I'm not a bad mother.

Mommy words posted an amazing blog recently about children being left in cars and dying of hypothermia, it's not exactly what you think and it has had me thinking for the past 24 hours. I've cried over the piece, yelled (at Husband) and been angry. I can't say much more than that because I think each person will respond to this differently. I've responded differently each time I've read it.

But I think it's worth a read and a good think...I'm linking this because it's really effected me today and I wish I had some coherent words to say but I don't. It doesn't of course help that I'm at work.

The article Mommy words linked "Fatal Distraction" I trudged through all morning and feel a little sick inside. Like my dream is all too real for some people. And I couldn't imagine not being able to wake up from it.

Also...I am going to share a very private, dark, sick thought here now...Please don't judge. I've recently been thinking about having number 2 child, as you know, and one of my arguments to Husband was that if we had two at least if one of them died we'd still have the other kid to keep us going strong, give us something to live for. Because I think if anything god forbid (and even writing this is making me tear up) happened to Son, I wouldn't be able to go on, and I wouldn't be able to have another child.

I know I KNOW these are horrible dark thoughts, and thoughts that are generally not welcome in the mind of a positive person... But I have them. often. I pain because of the love I feel for Son and I always always fear for everything for him. Really it's a miracle I have not bubble wrapped him yet and am in fact quite a laid back and relaxed Mum.

Alright, enough of this....

The Perfect New York Cheesecake

2009-09-07T22:18:00.004+01:00

Inspired by Heavenly Housewife's mission for the perfect macaroon, I've decided I'm going to try and make the perfect New York cheesecake. People will say "You know, Eve makes the best New York Cheesecake". It'll be a conversation topic a parties to come. I'll be famous for it in my circle and there will be rumors of me outside of my circle... I'll slowly become a cheese cake legend, maybe even, a national hero.

Yesterday was attempt No. 1 and I'm quite happy with it for my first go ever at making a cheese cake and I know exactly what I'm going to do next time to make it better.

A little less vanilla, because it wasn't over powering but I think it was just a little too much. I definitely over cooked this bad boy although I did follow the recipe to the t. I think it's because my oven was on fan setting and I need to just keep in on conventional. Also the crust was rubbish. RUBBISH. Why don't they sell graham crackers in this country? Well....at least sell them in stores that are local to me. So I'm going to try a digestive biscuit type crust. If anyone has a recipe for one for me to start off with I'd be much appreciative.

Moving on from the cheesecake. Husband made dinner tonight and again and of course it was good! I took pictures and do have the recipe which will be posted tomorrow. For now though, I must go to bed. It's been a long tiring weekend with little sleep and I'm working in the morning.

Until the morn'

60 minute makeover

2009-09-05T19:55:00.006+01:00

Son was sent to Nanny's house for the day today while Husband and I have spent the whole day redecorating his bedroom. It use to be an plain shell with only his bed and drawers in it. Now. TA DA.

I'm so psyched about finally getting this done. It was meant to have been done back in April but you know how it goes.. When Father-in-Law dropped Son off he was sleepy (it was past his bedtime) and when I took him into his room to show him around his eyes grew and grew and he got so excited and wanted to touch everything.

He instantly went for his hanging toy baskets (each one has one of his favourite type of toys in it. Cars, blocks and musical instruments) and dumped them all out to play with. He loved it all and it just made me so so happy.

It's hard to get a full on picture of the place because his room is small and narrow, so these are the best I can do.

Husband I think did a spectacular job (I did very little hard labor to be fair... I did dress the bed and organize the stuffed animals though!) which was no surprise as he is quite spectacular.

Will attempt to make a more interesting blog post tomorrow. When I've recovered that is.

Number 2?

2009-09-04T13:37:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I had a long conversation with my Mum about having another baby. It ended essentially with my mum pointing out that if I had so many doubts about expanding the clan then that was my answer in it self. No. I agreed with this and when Husband came home and I broke the news he seemed relieved.

Later that evening Husband was sorting through some uploaded video's on the computer. Video's of Son when he was a baby. Both of us sat there watching him, at 3 months, 6 months, 10 months and so on... We were both ooooing and awwwing and then I said "Screw it, lets have another one!" and Husband excitedly agreed.

But again, on reflection. I don't know. When I see pregnant women, or small babies or pictures of Son from when he was young, I get extremely broody. But take those things away and the thought of another baby makes me go all psycho. Another one?! Why add something to an already perfect mix?! I LIKE the idea of it being me and my two boys, and god forbid what if it was a girl? I don't think I could handle a teenage daughter. I'd age before my time, of this I am sure.

It's alright for me though because if I say no now, I've still go a good 10 years of baby making in me, Husband...although of course men don't have menopause, he is getting on now. He's not old but if we waited say 5 years and then had another baby he'd be 60+ by the time the second one was 18. Now that's old. And I want my Husband to myself again one day, you know?

I can't decide... I figure though we can go one of two ways if we do want another one. Have a 2-3 year age gap (so I get pregnant within the next year) OR have a bigger age gap of 7-9 years.

I loved being pregnant and I had a very easy pregnancy too, the birth was easy in the sense of no complications and I didn't tear (though it was the most painful 24 hours of my life...yes. 24 hours!)... It's not even the whole baby thing that puts me off. I totally would be happy to do the diapers, breastfeeding, weaning and everything again. I loved breastfeeding and weaning! And I quite proudly say I think I'm a natural mother (It helps that I was looking after much younger siblings and running a day care when I was in my teens) and have found this first 18 months of his life an absolute pleasure. Of course there are the moments when you consider throwing your child out of a two story window (not really!...well...nearly at least), but Husband is usually there to pull me from the brink (be it sending me for a hot bath while he takes over before I go nuts, or doing the chores while I manage the teething/vomiting/pooping baby) yeah. I'm good at this. I like it.

So why am I so hesitant to have another one? What is Son hated me for it? What if I couldn't love them both the same? What if they hated each other? What if god forbid the second baby took my body to the point of no return!?!! I mean, I just got my figure back!

There is only one way to get this of my mind... Retail therapy. I'll be back later after some serious abuse has been done to the credit card.

Theta Mom Thursday!

2009-09-03T14:50:00.006+01:00

Here we are! Eve's very first contribution to the very brilliant idea of Theta Mom Thursday! When I first saw Theta Mom's post about this I was so excited. Yes yes YES! Another excuse for me to grab an hour of ME time (how sad I need an excuse to get that time). So what did I do this week?

Well it happened to be one of my closest friends birthday's on Thursday (who we shall from here on in refer to as Husband No. 2 because he wines and dines me and takes me on more dates than my Husband ever has. He's a proper gentleman. And yes, he's gay, So Husband is quite happy to let Husband No. 2 pick up his slack). This occasion called for us to visit our regular dive with our other friend (Wife. You may remember her). Ed's Easy Diner located between Piccadilly Circus and Leicester Square is the best Classic American Diner you can find in the UK, so for Husband No. 2 and I, it's like being home. We climb onto our same stools at the bar every visit, order two corona's (one without lime) and a bowl of cheesy chips to tide us over while we ponder of the menu (that we know by heart) and wait for Wife to show up (who is always at least 60 minutes late. Always).

Husband had son for the evening and I was feeling like I needed lots of carbohydrates and lots of beer, so Ed's was the best place to be. We ordered 3 courses and enough beers to start a bottle pyramid (which we did successfully only with the help of our server...who apparently, was an expert in bottle pyramids.). There was laughter, there were secrets shared, there was plotting of the destruction of the woman who has been set out to nab my husband since before we were even together (not to worry girls, I'm much younger/prettier/funnier/sexier/betteringeneral than she could ever be), AND there was dancing in the aisles....

Despite what the sign said. :) The night ended with a trip to a Gay sex shop to buy Husband No. 2 a gift. Now generally, I'm pretty experimental and adventurous sexually... But this trip consisted of a lot of "I want that one" From Husband No. 2 and a WHOLE LOTTA "Oh.my.god... Where is that suppose to go?!" and "How do you fit that up there" and "Do people really use those?!" From Wife and I. I mean Seriously... There was a Anal plug the size of my leg.. My WHOLE leg... I came out of that shop a whole new woman.

So I think my first Theta Mom Thursday was a success! Thank you Theta Mom for the encouragement to be ME as well as being a Mum, and I look seriously forward to next Thursday!

House Husband?

2009-09-01T13:21:00.004+01:00

Husband made dinner last night and what a dinner it was! Vegetable lasagne. Not quite sure how he made it nor what he put in it (he doesn't share his secrets), though I do know he never uses a recipe, but from what I did catch looked like he roasted some chosen veg for 40 or so minutes (I tasted peppers, onion, mushrooms, whole garlic cloves, zucchini maybe?) and then layered it all with the lasagne sheets and some cheese sauce. I don't really care how he made it (because if I knew that might mean I would have to make it. Ignorance is bliss) as long as he makes it again. I went back for seconds! I never go back for seconds.

Oh, also, he made me take the picture. I think he's trying to impress you guys. Like "check me out! Husband that cooks!".... Is it working? I think it would have worked more if he had also served this with a bottle of champagne and a nice ruby ring on the side... for wearing obviously. Don't you agree?

Theta Mum made a blog post today that reminded me of something I wanted to ask fellow mum's out there.

Dinner time and bed time for toddlers...When is yours? Son is 18 months old and dinner time is between 6-6.30 and he's in bed by 8pm. Now, for me, I think this sounds pretty good, and it seems to work for him but those 3 days a week I work I don't get home until 6-6:30 most nights, which means if we were to have dinner together as a family it wouldn't be until 7:30pm at the earliest. Which is too late for little one...right?

So... My question. How the hell do you ever manage to have dinner together? I've seen the movies and the American sitcoms... Dinner at 6pm... on the table... with the whole family involved... laughing and drinking milk from a big glass jug... right? HOW THE HELL DO I GET THAT!??! Because even on the days I don't work Husband doesn't get home until 7pm...which means even if I was awfully organized and had dinner ready he wouldn't be there to have it with us...which means he would have to eat re-heated food and I have a real problem with serving my husband re-heated food (don't as because I don't know).

So at the moment we're cooking a dinner for Son at 6pm and then we wait until he's in bed and eat at 8pm-ish. Which, you know, is nice. Because we get a real sit down adult dinner. But I feel guilty for not having the family dinner time (other than on a weekend). Should I move his bedtime to later (ohgodpleasesayno) or is this just something that will develop as he gets older? ... I just. I can't get it. I don't understand. Make me understand! I need to understand if I'm going to be that all perfect wife/mother.

Help.

Cakes and Cars.

2009-08-31T20:26:00.010+01:00

What a very busy weekend! But I'm hear now to talk about Sunday. Ah, Sunday. Husband's Aunt was throwing a "Summers Ending BBQ" and I'd been looking forward to this for a while. Firstly because, Hurrah for BBQ's! and secondly because there is not a more entertaining place to be than at one of my Husband's family gatherings. Parents, Siblings, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins all come flocking and it is always a blast.

It's the kind of get-together when you can talk to anyone, butt in on any conversation, throw playful insults, make cheeky remarks and walk around with bare feet. I suppose, just generally it's like being with family. Everyone loves each other and everyone wants to get the last word in. It's a blast.

And of course, with the proverbial invite to a BBQ you have to bring the proverbial desserts. I decided to try and Americanize my English in-laws a bit with a Oreo pound cake and Heavenly Housewife's Honey Sweetened Cornbread. Both went down a huge hit, although everyone kept calling the cornbread, Coconut cakes... Apparently they looked and tasted like coconut. Which, I can tell you, they did not in the least. I think the texture of the cornmeal confused the un-cultured Brits. Who would have thought someone would ever refer to Cornbread as cultured...

On our way home from the BBQ (Which was down in Kent, an hour and 45 minute drive) our car died...15 minutes into the drive. This was at about 8pm, Son was sleeping and the car made a whine like a cat dying and then...well, died. Lucky for us the parents and sister-in-law were not far behind us in their automobiles so we had company...While we waited for a tow... for over 4 hours! Lucky for us we were in a service station, so coffee was of abundance, but still. Shit... God sent us a saving grace in the form of our sleeping son, who did not stir once even when we transferred him and the car seat into sister-in-laws car for the drive home. So, no car. For now at least. The head gasket has gone... like I know what that means. I do know it means $800+. Yippie, goodbye holiday. Big bummer, but despite all that I still have thoroughly enjoyed my bank holiday weekend. Today other than recovering from lack of sleep last night was spent doing the most deepest clean of my house ever. I'm feeling very accomplished.

Nice Lil picture of Son scoffing a honey sweetened cornbread. And now, on to the important stuff!

Oreo Pound Cake
recipe from Jesse Wilson @ Recipezar

1 1/2 cups sugar
1 cup/8oz butter (softened)
2 cups cake flour
1/2 tsp salt
5 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup crushed Oreo cookies
1 cup vanilla frosting (I used betty crocker)

In a large bowl cream butter, sugar and vanilla with an electric whisk. Gradually add the flour and salt then add one egg at a time. Mix until well blended. Fold the crushed Oreo's in until well blended.

Pour mixture into a well greased and floured 10x6 inch loaf pan.

Bake at 325f for 1 hour or until knife coes out clean.

Let cake cool completely. Place cake on wax paper. Heat frosting in the microwave for 20 seconds or until it can be poured.

Pour frosting over caking and sprinkle with additional crushed Oreo's.